Husband and Wife Suicide Pact Goes Awry

Friday, 29 January 2010


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Resident Hoss Bingle Heard Shouting Often

A couple in Tombstone, Arizona, who were overheard telling the folks of the Western town that "they had had it with living and would be better off dead," attempted to follow through on that statement in a suicide pact that failed.

Sugar and Ralph Candy, who were married for fifteen years, were often heard fighting from patrons of the Wild West saloon they lived above; and often.

"That's all they did was the shouting," said Hoss Bingle, a frequent patron of the saloon. "And you could hear everything they said too. He don't like her figure, she don't like his mustache and that he's no Wyatt Earp. It was really sad."

Apparently, the childless couple agreed to the suicide pact when they found the gold mine they purchased upon their arrival in Tombstone just a short few months ago, had no gold at all. "It was a farce," Ralph Candy would tell anyone who would listen. "I can't believe Sugar fell for this shit."

The plan was for Sugar to lace some Rumplemintz liquor with arsenic and Ralph would use his pistol. Unknown to Ralph, Sugar's spirits contained no arsenic. The town sheriff, Bart Barton swaggered to the scene trying to calm Sugar, only to find a hand-written suicide note, which outlined the suicide pact; it appeared both Sugar and Ralph had signed the document. "He made me sign it," Sugar stammered. "I would never end it all!"

As it is with the Wild West, the sheriff reported to the local press, "Nobody saw a thing so I guess I can't lock her up can I? I can't have a crime with no witness can I?"

When an Associated Press reporter arrived in Tombstone a day after the suicide pact gone awry, he found the sheriff's office empty and it appeared both Barton and Sugar had skipped town.

"What a shame," the town's undertaker, Gary Diggemups said, "at least she left behind enough money to bury the guy in Boot Hill."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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