AUSTIN - Governor Rick Perry recently spoke from the back porch of the Governor's Mansion in a one-on-one interview with Dusty Nelson, a reporter for Austin's KICK Channel 82.
The governor said that he is prepared to give the Fort Hood Shooter, Major Nidal Malik Hasan a quick "Texas Drive-Thru Trial" on a Monday morning and then personally strap the no-good sorry camel smellin' sand crab into "Sparky" the electric chair on a Monday afternoon.
Governor Perry said that it really just don't make a hell whole lotta sense to go and waste the hard-earned money of Texas taxpayers by feeding, clothing, and housing this guilty as hell piece of desert rubbish.
Dusty Nelson, who is the grandson of country music icon Willie Nelson, and the great, great, great grandson of Great Britain's Vice Admiral Lord Horatio Nelson informed the governor that state Senator Audrey Beth Spinlayer, 71, of Waxahachie suggested that Major Shithead be strapped to a two-humped camel and dragged up and down the streets of Galveston.
The governor grinned and said that although it was a very good idea it was too good for the likes of Major Desert Dung.
Senator Rufus Brattleboro of Nacogdoches suggested that the crazy camel jockey be taken to Sea World in San Antonio and fed to the sharks.
Governor Perry's personal driver Dexter Bragg, Jr., remarked that the pathetic peckerwood should be made to sit naked in a wicker chair in the blazing hot Texas sun and forced to view naked, sexually explicit photos of England's ugliest woman Amy Winehouse.
Afterwards a spoiled bratty little kid should be given an ice pick and told to copy Amy Winehouse's tattoos on the maniacal major's expansive head.
Sister Tallulah, 84, of The Good Sisters of The Tumblin' Tumbleweeds Church in Texarkana had an excellent suggestion regarding the "Sandman."
She suggested that "Sandy" be dressed up as June Cleaver and put into a prison cell with the meanest, nastiest, most perverted prisoner in the entire Texas State Department of Corrections Prison System.
[EDITOR'S NOTE AS WELL AS WRITER'S NOTE: Wow! You go sister!]
And of course there have been the usual suggestions from various good old boy Texans suggesting that certain items be shoved up the camel lover's [BODY CAVITY DELETED BY EDITOR].
Some of these items include; a cowboy boot, a rusty horseshoe, Krazy Glue, a Barry Bonds Commemorative Louisville Slugger Baseball Bat, a cowbell, an adult possum, a branding iron, and any item of road kill.
Governor Perry wishes to express his thanks to all of his fellow Texans for their creative suggestions.
The governor did divulge that he had received a phone call from the ex-governor of Alaska Sarah Palin. Perry said that she suggested an old-fashioned Texas-Alaska Hunting Game called "Run, Mother F'er, Run!"
He emailed her back and said that he thought it was an excellent idea. So it appears that what will happen is that Major Shit For Brains will be flown up to a predetermined isolated part of Alaska and dressed up as a moose.
The "Desert Bastard" will then be blindfolded, spun around a dozen times, and on the count of three the "Flucked Sand Flea" will be turned loose.
Governor Perry and ex-Governor Palin will then each take their high-powered telescopic rifles and on the count of three start shooting at "Bullwinkle."
"Rifleman" Rick's bullets will be colored blue and "Shotgun" Sarah's bullets will be colored pink so it will be real easy to tell who exactly finished off the camelburger eating mother effen moose.
Afterwards, P & P, (Perry and Palin) will fly back to the Palin's Wasilla home and Governor Rick Perry will personally prepare a good old-fashioned Texas style baby back ribs barbecue with all the trimmin's for Sarah, Todd, and all the Palin young'uns.
Governor Perry said that he has talked to his good friend and neighbor Billy Gibbons of ZZ Top and that the little ol' band from Texas has agreed to fly up to Alaska and play at the Palin's old-fashioned Texas style barbecue.