Television broadcaster, wearer of ill-fitting shirts and extreme mullet-head, Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, has been declared a hazard to public health by the government's Health and Safety Executive.
Speaking at an NHS conference, "Health of the Nation" held in the Birmingham outlet of Harry Ramsden's, Chairman of the NHS Dr C Rippen said:
"We are increasingly worried about a epidemic which may be caused by too much exposure to Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen. In clinical trials, it has been shown that Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen does in fact make people very sick. And it would appear that he doesn't even have to open his mouth to do this.
"We at the HSE have been saying for months that exposure without a safety net to people such as Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, Tara Palmer Tomkinson, Paris Hilton and Ant and Dec is the showbiz equivalent of smoking 40 cigarettes a day, eating a McDonalds or binge-drinking to excess. Although, drinking oneself into a stupour is certainly a potential alternative to Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, Tara Palmer Tomkinson, Paris Hilton or Ant and Dec.
"We also must advise that anyone of a nervous disposition or suffering from high blood pressure should certainly keep away from watching Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen until such time as we can declare him safe."