(LaLa Land, CA) - After whipping up over 150 million dollars in North American box office receipts over the Memorial Day Holiday session, Indiana Jones and The Menace of The Crystal Arks of Doom, Part IV: Attack of the Commie Clones showed that action franchises are much like fine wines. They only get more expensive with age, and people are willing to fork over a lot of cash for smelly shit that is totally corked.
In addition to ruling the box office jungle over the weekend, the film starring Harrison Ford, 87, set numerous records both interesting and obscure:
- Crystal Arks of Doom was the 5th highest Memorial Day Weekend debut of all time
- It was the largest opening weekend ever for any film whose lead stars (Harrison Ford & Karen Allen) had more gray hairs in their pubes than actual hairs on their heads.
- It was the second largest opening for any film whose lead required a respirator and multiple servings of Metamucil during the filming of scenes.
- It was the 923rd film completely devoid of an original moment or any entertaining merit whatsoever to open #1 in the past 20 years.
- It marked the 4th time since 1999 that producer George Lucas managed to completely buffalo people into coming out in droves for total pabulum.
This last record was considerably impressive when you take into account that a 167-year-old man starring in an action film and pabulum are normally considered mutually exclusive.
Critics were generally mixed regarding the film, and some box office watchers felt that the Thursday grosses were inflated by Lucas appearing naked from the waist down at select locations in order to draw more fanboys to first day screenings. Lucas, however, defended this practice by reminding people that, "D.W. Griffith often liked to attend premiers sans pants as a way of drumming up business. Showing off your junk is an old and respected Hollywood tradition."
Due to overwhelming support from the American Association of Retired Persons (AARP), Lucas promised that a new Indy flick would go into production "just as soon as Harrison gets enough down time to spend a few more weeks in his coffin," while putting out a call for any unemployed actors who would be willing to let the aging Indy drink a few pints of their blood in exchange for work as extras in the next installment.
"Harrison has his own unique personal health regimen, and who am I to question it? We want to get the next film made, but we need the public's help to get it done before he turns completely to dust."
Tentatively scheduled for Spring 2022, the next film in the profitable series will be called Indiana Jones and the Hunt and Search for The Golden Metallic Walker of God, The Father Almighty, King of Heaven and Earth and Middle Earth."
Lucas, however, stressed that this was simply a working title and could be changed before the film is released.
"It took me a long time to come up with that title, so I would be hesitant to change it, but I know it's a little vague. Ultimately I want to come up with a really strong title that is long enough to take up the entire first half hour of the movie to read, but that's a tall order as I am really limited mentally. It took me a full ten minutes minutes to come up with the title we have now, and I needed six weeks of rest after that. Also newspapers have expressed some concern about accepting ads for films whose titles require an entire section of the paper to print."
Whatever they call it, bet that Indy, Marion, Mutt, Jeff, Pigpen, Lucy, Garfield, and possibly Aragorn will be back for more septuagenarian adventure at a theater or nursing home near you.
