Moscow - (Crystal Ass Mess): Russian Prime Monster Vladimir Putin has been beseiged with requests to star in a Russian revenge remake of Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull.
"Of course, it's only natural they ask me," Mad Bad Vlad chuckled today.
"It's a job for a real red-blooded man, epitome of Russian heterosexuality at its finest."
The news follows a public outcry slamming Harrison Ford and Cate Blanchett as Western imperialist disinformation slags vilifying Russian culture and mores.
Today's editorial in the St Petersberg edition of LAFagHagSlagMag has reported national unease with the movie's portrayal of Soviet intelligence.
"This makes the Keystone Cops look like Albert Einstein clones," the lead article has warned.
Ford and Blanchett star in the latest Indiana Jones rehash that sends up cold war KGB activities as assinine, macabre and patently ridiculous.
"Actually, it's a highly flattering send-up considering the inherent insanity of the Lublyanka's activities around the time of the '57 Suez crisis," a spokesman for the movie studio said today.
But the Russians are having none of it:
"We've shelled out billions in other people's stolen petrodollars to eradicate historical records of KGB corruption," a former Lublyanka official moaned today.
"We also signed-up to countless UN and NATO treaties and bankrolled some of the most disgusting, perverted tyrants as Global Piss Process luminaries.
"Also, their Bush family puppet-masters....Now look at how they treat us!"
There has been no official reaction as yet from Putin's orifice about the revenge remake movie.
But a six week official summer holiday slot has been pencilled in him at the Moscow National Film School's official studios in Bloodyvostock this July and August.
Angelina Joile is gestating apes.
