It appears that ABC adventure-drama "Lost" has found its own solution to the Hollywood Writers' Strike. According to network sources, they have replaced their former sophomoric "Lost" writers, now on strike, with a fresh, new writing team consisting of an entirely different sort of juvenile delinquent.
Blocked from hiring actual non-writing writers, and facing yet another season without any plots or character development, ABC executives have extended feelers into area junior high and high schools, seeking students with writing potential, or at least a C average in English.
While the English language requirement lets out schoolchildren in New Jersey, Texas, Oklahoma and the entire Deep South, cast members say they are relieved to know that their show's plots, when written, will at last be coherent to viewers. While this represents a dramatic departure from the show's previous three seasons, ABC representatives are upbeat about the show's future and have, they say in despite of rumors, no plans to cancel the show.
"We've gotten by just fine for three years without any plots or scripts," says an ABC media representative, "and I don't see why our upcoming fourth season should be any different."
"We're all really happy about this decision," says Kim Sun, who plays Yung Moon, the pregnant transsexual lesbian common-law wife of the Unnamed Shadowy Character, played by Cigarette-Smoking-Man from the long running Fox series, X-Files. "We welcome this renewed opportunity to play serious roles in plot-driven scripts."
But Ms. Sun's optimism may be premature.
According to California School Superintendent Tiffany Porsche, all ten of the recruited young writers are already serving lengthy detentions for accumulated tardies, which cuts deeply into their available writing time. She admits that they still have their algebra classes in which to pursue outside interests but wonders if ABC is just expecting too much from these new recruits.
"If we can't get them out of bed and to school in the morning," says Superintendent Porsche, "I don't see how ABC can get them to actually make a script deadline." She dismisses rumors of spray-painted plot devices on detention hall walls as mere graffiti and indicative of 'wishful thinking' on the part of ABC Network executives.
Ralph Emerson, who plays the Spooky Somebodies' leader on "Lost", dismisses these California School System concerns. While refusing to comment on the Hollywood Writers' Strike itself, he reveals that the detention hall graffiti he's seen so far suggests a whole new momentum for the show, and a new opportunity for plot continuity.
"After all," says Emerson, "they have had plenty of time to brainstorm and work together, what with all these months of detention. This is gonna finally make the show…and it's about time. My mortgage payment is six months overdue."
The main question left in network representatives' minds is: will these school children be able to write storylines that keep adult audiences captivated enough to not skip or Tivo out the commercials.
The question in the minds of cast members is more urgent: will they, like Gilligan and The Skipper, be doomed to a plot-free Island life forever.
By Tragic Rabbit, USA TOMORROW
