Jessica Alba: My vagina is off limits unless necessary

Funny story written by Jesus Budda

Sunday, 4 November 2007


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Hollywood sex godess, Jessica Alba has vowed never to go nude for a movie - unless the film makers absolutely require her to flash the flesh - due to her extreme Catholic upbringing, which forbids her from revealing her naked body.

The actress - who paled a sexy scantily clad pole dancer in Sin City, a sexy scantily clad dancer in Honey and a sexy scantily clad ass kicker in TV show Dark Angel - believes that her religious views on nudity is extremely important.

"My vagina is off limits.I won't do a nude scene in a movie - unless it is absolutely necessary to the plot. For instance, if I was playing a steelworker I would have no qualms going topless - c'mon, wearing a shirt in them temperatures would be stoopid. Or if I were playing the part of an exotic nymphomaniac lapdancing teacher on an island of Amazonian women I could hardly disagree with the artistic need for subtle nudity or the possible use of my vagina, could I?."

"I can act sexy and I can wear sexy clothes such as see-thru thongs and crotchless panties but I can't go naked unless it's with purpose. I think I was always very uncomfortable about the way my body developed", said Alba, as journalists drooled nearby.

"Just look at by breasts. That's it, look real close at them", directed Alba as she laid back beneath a flowing waterfall and let the foamy waves pass over her curvacious bosom, " they may look perfect to the untrained eye but in actual fact the left boob is .022mm higher than the right. A priest friend measured them for me".

"I come from a Catholic family and it wasn't seen as good to flaunt yourself unless it is for a religious man. I regularly have a group of Bishops over at my movie sets to check me out".

Alba's next movie project may be a hardcore remake of the Raquel Welch classic 'One million years BC' which she says her Bishop friends are reading over the script to check if it's appropriate.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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