Paris Hilton Claims "I'm Still A Summer Virgin"

Funny story written by Throckmorton Turdblossom

Sunday, 24 June 2007

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Summer and all it's advantages are here, but Paris can't come out to play

The official date for the start of summer has come. Beaches are full of surfers and bikini clad teens. People are sipping margaritas poolside. Sales of sun screen and big floppy hats are soaring. Beach balls and babes are both bouncing. Paris Hilton, however, remains in jail.

She offered the following statement to Barbra Walters (a.k.a. BaBa WaWa) in another of their telephone interviews:

"This is the longest into the summer I've ever gone without going to a party, getting a sunburn, or getting laid on the sand," moaned an unhappy Paris from prison. "It's like I'm eleven years old all over again! I hate being a summer virgin this late into the season!"

"When I get out, I'm going to have the worst tan! These orange jumpsuits just seem to suck the color right out of your skin. I'd try getting some sun in the yard, but I don't want Big Wanda to see me naked and make me her bitch."

"It may sound dumb, but I really want to be out there searching to find my bikini top in the dark and trying to get the sand out of my crack!"

Revelers at beaches, however, do not seem to miss the skanky socialite. One young man, Will Trasky of Corpus Christi, Texas, offered the following opinion: "Girls Gone Wild videos are still being shot, making young females come out of their tops. Their goodies are just as good, if not better, than hers. Besides, they are here and reachable. You know what they say, a bird in hand is better than a nice pair with a bush...or something like that."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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