Paris Hilton wants to be President of the United States of America. In an exclusive interview with this reporter yesterday in her scum-sucking putrid rat-infested jail cell, Paris was blunt: "Being President? Hot!"
I asked Paris what happened to change her from a vapid minx into a political fox. She sat on her tiny cot (posing beautifully) and seemed lost in her far-away mind. I gazed at her body and forgot she had a mind. Finally she spoke, her hot hot eyes piercing my cold cold soul.
"Jail has made me realistic", she panted, her liquid eyes finding mine in an orgy of silence. "I am SO happy to be here! But I only had one visitor in all those days. Just one. Ron Paul. Yes! He came every day and sat on that metal toilet just like you're doing. He looked at me on my hot little bed with those piercing, thrilling eyes of his and - and said a lot of things that sounded sensible. I wasn't listening - but OH! That tingling feeling! I felt that! And so his words penetrated to the heart of my understanding. But look. Listen. I know now that no-one takes me seriously except Ron Paul! I've finally found a man who values me for my mind not just my fantastic body. In that moment I threw myself at him and we fell across the toilet and became as one in a constitutional orgy of reason!"
"Three minutes later he offered me the Vice Presidency and threatened to withdraw unless I accepted. 'Look', he said, 'I'm old; you're young'. I'll be in office 30 days at most. Someone will assassinate me. I have too many enemies. Then you'll be President. Paris Hilton! Everyone loves you! No-one thinks you have a brain. So you are the perfect one to carry on my plan of world enslavement. We are going to wrap your pretty legs around the face of this earth and give this planet the biggest constitutionally sound orgasm in the history of democratic government! Don't worry. I'll do the thinking for both of us."
"What can I say", said Paris. "He had me at 'assassinate'. I've never heard that word before. Sounds so sexy. So hot! Oh my, I have another visitor? Ron Paul! I have to go! This interview is over! Get off his toilet! I said NOW bitch!"
That ended the interview.
