After suffering the indignity of big brother Prince William always served the extra sausage at breakfast (and now, at age 35, still sniveling about it), Harry’s needs should have been recognized during the Tillman awards ceremony with the presentation of an extra large, sizzling, hot sausage served on a platter of arugula.
“Please accept in recognition of your years of silent resentment, growing animosity, and red-fired jealousy, made public in your autobiography SPARE. Enjoy.”
He could then accept his sausage with the same speech used while accepting the Tillman Award: mention Nelson Mandela (for no reason), his mother, quickly adding her name, Princess Diana (as though anyone could forget), say Afghanistan, as I’m a veteran don’t boo me, throw in several words like journey, substantial, universal, investment, manifest and future.
Skip sentence structure. Just dribble out words. Try to remove the headlights from your eyes; sound intelligent and confident and not as though you’re on your way to the gallows.
BIG BEN: It’s time to remind Harry about the smaller bedroom at the castle. Many people are sleeping in the streets and do not even have a closet in which to sleep. Today, while his brother is on a mission to help solve the homeless crisis, Harry is bitching like a House Wren about the size of his bedroom in a castle. Now publish that!
Author’s reply: Sorry, BIG BEN, one hundred of my articles are still Pending Approval.
BIG BEN: I have the time. I can to wait.
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