Hey how ya doin’, I’m Rocco Garbonzo and my sister, Carmella (but you probably know her by the name Madame Zoroestria), has a cold or Covid or whatever, so she axed me to do her horoscope column for this week or year – I dunno how this shit works, but if you need it to live, then fine, whatever.
Aries: Okay, first up, Aries, you’re a ram, so you like to butt people in the balls with your curved horns – not stab them, cuz that’s messy and leaves bloody footprints – so you got rounded horns and you beat that bastard until he talks! Good for you, do more of that and don’t let anyone give you shit for being a ram.
Taurus: You’re a big bull with the big balls and you want people to know it or, like that ram thing, you’re gonna butt them real bad, but because you’re bigger, you can really do some damage – and your horns are sharp, so maybe you gotta shiv a guy, whatever, he shoulda known to keep his mouth shut, am I right?
Gemini: you’re like a couple people in one person so you’re frickin’ schizo, no one should trust you, you two-faced rat! Either that, or you like gems, so that’s good if I need a front man for the diamond heist – which you didn’t hear from me.
Cancer: What the fuck! Are you serious? You call yourself a disease? What’s a matter with you? This year, you smarten the fuck up and change your name, maybe hide out for a while, they’ll be looking for you, comin’ with a ‘cure’, if you know what I mean.
Leo: I knew a bookie named Leo once, lost me over 5 Gs, perfect fit for cement shoes, never trust a Leo, they think they’re lions, but I saw on the discovery channel the guy lion lays around in the grass all day while the lady lion does all the hunting. Be a frickin’ man and get your own food!
Virgo: what’s this? You a virgin? Well don’t be all self-righteous about it, and don’t be a cock tease, you don’t have to do every guy like some girls I could name, but don’t think your vagina is made of gold, sweetheart, ‘cuz it ain’t!
Libra: I think this is that thing the judge has on his desk next to the gavel – if you’re a crooked judge of people then knock it off, things have happened, you know what I mean, so you be fair and I’ll be fair and no one has to get hurt, alright?
Scorpio: you are a scorpion, which is really cool unless you bite me, then I’ll stomp you – so if you’re one of these, you gotta protect yourself but if go lookin’ for trouble, you’ll get stomped – it’s called frickin’ nature!
Sagittarius: I have no idea what the fuck this is. So maybe you’re confused too. Don’t be so confused about what you are. Just be one thing and not a whole bunch of things and you’ll have a lot less stress – you stress out a lot, knock it off or that cancer guy will eat you alive.
Capricorn: sounds like cereal or some kind of food. Don’t eat so much this year, you’re getting fat, little bites, you don’t have to eat EVERYTHING at the buffet, calm down and just eat so you don’t have to loosen your belt after dinner.
Aquarius: this sounds like water or mermaids or whatever – so hang around water a lot this year, maybe rent a boat, but don’t put your real name on the rental agreement or the cops’ll figure out you’re the one who dumped the body in the lake. Just be smart and not all watery in your head!
Pisces: sounds like piss but there’s a picture of a fish. If you’re not careful this year, you’ll be sleepin’ with the fishes and you might piss yourself too, unless you’re the one who makes people sleep with them, and if so, find your own lake to dump the body, mine is full.
So there’s your horoscope, maybe it works maybe not, maybe the whole thing is a load of shit to help sell newspapers – you want good luck, make it. Listen to Rocco. My sister will be back next week or month or whatever to tell you all what you want to hear.
