New York Woman’s Horoscope Exceeds Expectations

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Sunday, 3 February 2019

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When her horoscope told her to trust her inner voice, Ellen Payne listened - and found her dream job and soul-mate.

Craving guidance one Tuesday morning at work, Ellen Payne, a Gemini living in New York City, turned to her daily horoscope. Disappointingly, she found her general horoscope to be rather basic and vague, as was her love horoscope. But when she clicked on her career horoscope, Ellen found advice she could take to the bank.

It read, “Trust your intuition. Listen to that quiet inner voice. It won’t steer you wrong.”

Not wanting to make any rash decisions, Ellen double-checked with a quick tarot reading, and lo and behold: Ace of Pentacles. There was no card that boded better for her professional prospects.

And that was all she needed. Despite not having found an alternative source of income, Ellen had been debating quitting her data-processing job in Midtown Manhattan. Though she didn’t want to be foolhardy, not a day went by that she failed to wonder how in the world had she, an artist, wound up living her life in an office, doing meaningless, mind-numbing work that sucked the soul out of her on a daily basis?

Her inner voice was hardly quiet; it had been screaming for the past eight years.

Heartened by the guidance she’d received, Ellen promptly emailed notice of her resignation to her boss and hightailed it out of the office, afraid that if she delayed even a moment to say goodbye to her coworkers, her resolve might fade. She walked briskly to the subway station, uncertain what was to come but confident that it would be fantastic.

And indeed it was. On the subway, she ran into a woman, Johanna Howell, with whom she had interviewed over a year ago for a dream job at an uptown art gallery. Apologizing profusely, Mrs. Howell explained that her husband had died shortly after Ellen’s interview, which was why she’d never responded to Ellen’s follow-up inquiries about the position. But now the estate had been settled, the gallery was actually expanding, and she wanted Ellen on board as soon as possible.

“Is now soon enough?” said Ellen.

Mrs. Howell beamed. “That go-getter attitude is exactly what I liked about you when I first met you. Yes, now is perfect.”

Ellen never looked back. That afternoon, she began working at the Howell Gallery, where, coincidentally, despite her lackluster love horoscope, she also happened to meet her soul-mate. And since that first day, the dream job has only continued to exceed expectations. In fact, soon, the gallery will even be hosting a show of Ellen’s own artwork.

In short, her inner voice had warranted listening to.

“It just goes to show,” says Ellen, “the stars are never wrong.”

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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