Hello, and welcome to the BBC News at noon, I’m Clive Endive and these are your top stori – what? What was that? Did you see that? A man just fell past the window – and he looked familiar! Just like, just like …
That’s right, cats and kiddies, Tom Cruise may soon be coming to a tower near you. And why? To jump off it!
Tom is a one-man stunt machine, jumping off stuff, out of stuff, never keeping his feet on the ground, always up in the air, with that manic laugh of us always on – can’t be turned off – you’ve just been Cruisinatored! (Just like Katy, before she ran for her life.)
We asked the top BBC scientists about Tom’s obsession to show himself as a kind of real superhero – fuck Marvel comics and their tights-wearing super jerks – Tommy boy is the real deal! He don’t need no tights! It’s a Mission Impossible kind of era we live in, and Tom’s taking charge! (Is the MI franchise the American version of James Bond? Discuss and write a 3000 word essay.)
We asked said BBC scientist another question (usually we keep him in his box, but someone keeps opening the cage door – I’m looking at you, Reggie!)
“Yes, when things fall down, they must first go up. It’s some kind of science law. Gotta go up to get down. I think Genesis sang a song about it once.”
Scientists who work for TV stations are morons.
So if you’re looking out your window and you see a crazy laughing madman falling down, it’s just ole Tommy.
PS: Wanna be a Scientologist? Why not? It’s the greatest religion of all time – purely American, made by a sci-fi writer and a wombat, we believe. And Tom falls for it every time! L. Ron Hubbard converting and infecting the world with his madness? Catch the mission impossible fever!
