My spies in the entertainment industry have taken a break from finding out who is fornicating with whom and given me a list of big screen movies that are in production as we speak. Or rather, as I write and you read. Whatever.
'Hell's Kitchen: In Search Of Ketchup" ; World-renowned chef Gordon 'Don't-Make-Me-Angry-You-Wouldn't-:Like-Me-When-I'm-Angry' Ramsay embarks on a world-wide search for an elusive condiment that he's never heard of-- 'ketchup'. Blue and Red teams of young-and-upcoming chefs accompany on him on this search, with more than half getting killed. Hijinks ensue.
'The Six O'Clock Evening News: The Movie' ; According to producer Johann J. Kibitz, old news is new news, because, "Nobody watches the six o'clock news anymore! They get all their information from Twitter, and Tik Tok, and Grinder (not that there's anything wrong with that)! So, when someone watches my movie a year from now, three years, ten years, it won't be old news! It'll be new news! People are clueless and I'm gonna get their money!"
'How Many Leaves Are in The World? - Part One' ; Follow intrepid wood scientist Chuck Chockley as he crosses the country and time zones to count all the leaves in the world. That's it. That's all it is. Chuck Chockley counting leaves. One at a time. Part One ends with him finally leaving his backyard, with the promise of numerous sequels in the works. Jeff Bezos is financing this, so expect more sequels than the 'Fast and The Furious' have spewed out.
'Maginnon Wars - The Cola Strikes Back' ; Infamous cola drinker, Shtee Maginnon, who accidentally blew up his house when he poured Pepsi into his Coca Cola glass, has chronicled his adventure towards infamy and bad life choices. It culminates with a 15-minute climax at the end, in slow-motion nonetheless, of his reckless decision to pour the 'Forbidden Liquid' into a Coke glass his boss bought him for 20 years of loyal service at the local Esso station. Nicholas Cage stars as the intrepid Maginnon.
'Saving Private Ryan's Privates' ; Directed by Zenno Barbarino and starring Julie Jugs and Lance Huge, a soldier's private parts are threatened when...oh, wait. That's from my adult film catalog. Never mind. Moving on...
'A Star Is Born - The Last Star To Be Borned' ; Although 'A Star Is Born' was first made in 1937, and then remade in 1954, 1976, and most recently in 2018 with Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper, screenwriter Chizzie Chizzieton insists that this is the last time, last one, no more remakes ever, of the classic movie. Former Chancellor of Germany, Angela Merkel and Neil deGrasse Tyson star, alongside professional wrestler D.J. Jazzy Corn. Special appearance by Barky The Wonder Dog as The President.
