TOPEKA, Kansas – (Satire News) – After getting thousands of complaints from church members; especially members of the choir, the Fly-Over state of Kansas has enacted an amendment that will strictly prohibit breastfeeding in the church.
The Vox Populi News Agency reports that even though the new ruling is extremely unpopular with breastfeeding mamas, it’s just something that should have been done years ago.
Rev. Gunther P. Fleetfire, 89, of Topeka’s Unipillian Church, stated that for some reason modern-day babies seem to make a lot more noise as they suck on the tit, than babies back in the 70’s, 80’s, and the 90’s.
He stressed that his own grandmother nursed him so he understands why moms are up in arms, but he did want to make it clear that it had just gotten totally out of hand.
Rev. Fleetfire noted that it got so unbelievably noisy that a majority of the parishioners could not even hear the choir due to half a dozen or so suckling and gurgling sounds constantly going on.
He also pointed out that it had gotten to the point where some of the church’s male members were becoming distracted, stressed out, and had even begun pointing.
One angry woman who said that she has nursed all 13 of her children while sitting in church, angrily commented that she is leaving the church and she will simply turn to Joel Osteen and nurse her 9-year-old girl in front of her 65-inch boob tube, ah big screen TV.