(NOT EDITED) DIRTY RIVER, Wyoming – (Satire News) – The United States Department of Forestry has just released newly gathered information about Sasquatch, alias Big Foot.
They noted that although he does walk upright like a normal human, he does have a tendency to get down on all fours and crawl all over Yellowstone National Park, like drunk college students.
Recent observations show that Quatchy’s feet only measure 9 ½-D instead of 17-DD like most historians erroneously believe.
Experts say that the reason for the discrepancy may be due to two facts; one, he’s hunchbacked and two, he’s pigeon-toed.
Forest Rangers out on a bear-feeding mission say they came very close to capturing the elusive upright walking beast.
Rangers Noah Lemonwater, and Norm Pinca said that as they were making a fire to cook some squirrelburgers they saw the infamous Big Foot about 35 yards away.
But, before they could get out of their pajamas and go chase him, he took off for the inner woods looking like Dallas Cowboys running back Ezekiel Elliot carrying a football.
Meanwhile, the Ringling Brothers, Barnum & Bailey Circus says their standing offer of $1 million to anyone who catches Sasquatch and delivers him to their circus headquarters in Florida is still on the table.
Reports are that a group of Proud Boys have been searching all over Yellowstone National Park, hoping to catch the so-called hairy monster.
The rumor is that they plan to use the money to finance an assault on the Smithsonian Institute in Washington D.C. When asked why, a spokesman for the group replied, that they are currently working on finding a legitimate reason.
Recent rumors that Sasquatch and Senator Ted Cruz are related have not been substantiated as of yet. Granted there certainly are tremendous similarities in certain features such as the head, the eyes, the nose, the ears, and the penis.
In a non-related story. Vice-President Kamala Harris has told CNN’s Anderson Cooper that the rumor of her having signed a $3 million contract with Converse Tennis Shoes is totally false.