New documentary shows the horrors of war documentaries

Funny story written by Sir Geoffroy Cockface

Sunday, 25 October 2020

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There is nothing in life worse than a war documentary

Geoff Surname remembers the first time he watched the War History channel, at the age of 17. He and many of his pals were gleeful at discovering a channel which showed nothing but war documentaries. They were happy to sign up, little knowing that many of them would never return.

"They said we were too young to join," said Geoff. "You're meant to be 18 - but the recruitment officer for the cable company let us go anyway."

When Surname's subscription arrived, he soon found himself entrenched in front of the television for hours at a time, gripped by the terrifying descriptions of war. Some of the images frightened him so much, that he began to suffer post-traumatic stress disorder.

For many young men, it was a loss of innocence, and many of them would be changed in ways that are hard to fathom for anyone who has not experienced the horrors of war documentaries.

This went on for years. Surname would write home to his family, but they grew concerned for his welfare. He was barely eating, so they would send him packets of chocolate and other treats to keep up his morale.

Behind the scenes, there was conflict between the producers of the channel and their financial backers, who were growing concerned about the spiralling costs of the war documentaries and the limited returns. Finally, the producers surrendered, and the channel closed down in November 2019.

Surname was glad that his service had finally ended. There were celebrations in the streets that the War History channel was over.

"Me and a few survivors vowed that we would never allow anyone to go through that again," said Surname.

So this November 10th, on the anniversary of the ending of the War History channel, Surname and others like him will switch off their TV sets for a minute of silence at 10:00, the time that the speakers fell silent a year ago. "We must never forget," he said.

A new documentary series detailing the horror of war documentaries begins next week on the Documentary Channel.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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