Movie Buff Despondent After Finding Out Jake Gyllenhaal Is A Jew

Written by Dewani Unhatched

Thursday, 9 April 2020

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Disappointed, to say the least

Movie buff and racist, Chris Patterson, 45, of Newark, NJ, was crestfallen, Thursday, after discovering that one of his favorite actors is Jewish.

“I am so disappointed; it is heartbreaking to discover that an actor whose body of work I really admire is a Jew. This information has totally changed my opinion of Donnie Darko, Brokeback Mountain, Zodiac, and The Day After Tomorrow. I used to love those movies, now, meh, not so much. I honestly don't think that I can look at his work the same way again."

Patterson, though, has some consolation. "I love Dwayne Johnson, The Rock, so I am going to immerse myself in his classic movies such as Jumanji, Jumanji 2 and Baywatch."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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