Man Is Absolutely Sick And Tired Of Having To Wish His Facebook 'Friends' Happy Birthday

Written by Monkey Woods

Wednesday, 10 July 2019

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Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday to you! Happy Birthday, dear Wayne...

A man who set up an account on Facebook almost three years ago, but hardly ever posts anything on it, is well and truly sick to death of receiving 'notifications' that tell him to wish one or another of his so-called Facebook 'friends' a happy birthday.

Moys Kenwood, 56, joined the social media site in 2016, principally to make it easier - through Messenger - to keep in contact with his mam in Hull, and for her to see his children.

That part of the plan has worked well, but the constant bombardment of alerts that it is this, that, or the other person's birthday, have got him completely fed up. He said:

"I've never met some of these people. And what's the point of wishing them a happy birthday? I mean, Wayne's a big lad now. He's 49 today. He won't give half a wank whether I wish him many happy returns or not. In fact, he might 'unfriend' me if I do! He's from Sheffield, for fuck's sake!"

He went on:

"To be honest, I wish I hadn't got so many Facebook 'friends'. They've become something of a burden, having to wish them all happy birthday like that. I wouldn't be bothered if some of them weren't my 'friends' anymore."

And on:

"I know this might not be absolutely in the spirit of the social media age, but I sort of wish some of my Facebook 'friends' would just drop dead. Quietly, and painlessly, in their sleep, you understand. Just peaceful, like. Nothing too sinister."

Then he sent a hearty birthday congratulation to his friend, Wayne.

Mark Zuckerberg was unavailable for comment.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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