Written by XRhonda Speaks

Monday, 26 June 2017

image for Man's Right Hand Has 2.5 Million Followers on Twitter
Uzia Remsen's right hand has millions of Twitter followers and goes by the moniker Suzie Martinez.

Uzia Remsen had dangerous Gibsonopathy* surgery to separate the hemispheres of his brain in an attempt to cure the hundreds of seizures a day that plagued him.

Though Remsen no longer suffers from seizures, his right hand has literally taken on a life of it's own since the procedure, including a vibrant on-line presence with several million followers on Twitter.

Remsen says that immediately after the surgery he started fighting his right hand when he tried to eat some broccoli in the hospital.

"Its like a different person, it has a mind of its own, I ended up eating the broccoli with my left hand, but in revenge my right hand just threw the whole plate of food on the floor. Funny thing is I never liked broccoli as a child."

At home after the surgery, his right hand started it's own Twitter account. According to Remsen, his hand likes to be called Suzie Martinez on-line, a near anagram for his own name.

"I fall asleep at my computer chair or sometimes with my phone in hand and that's when she gets on Twitter. She does try to get on-line after I go to bed, but I usually wake up and that's the end of that. I tried to delete the account but Twitter won't let me cancel it because only Suzie knows the password."

Apparently 2.5 million people are curious enough about a right hand that acts independently of it's owner to follow it on Twitter. But Uzia Remsen's right hand has already landed him in hot water with the US government and his family by revealing details of his life he would have rather kept secret.

Remsen talked about one of the less embarrassing things "Suzie' revealed on Twitter.

"I had to claim some offshore bank accounts I had when she Tweeted about it, the tax penalties really sucked, I wish she realized what affects me affects her too."

Several Tweets went viral after John Oliver talked about them on his nightly comedy show. In the featured tweets Suzie outs Remsen as a bisexual cheater:

@SuzieMart2007 He's been unfaithful to his wife, and with her sister of all people!

@SuzieMart2007 You know he masturbates to gay porn...I should know.

Lately Suzie has been ordering books on limb transplants from Amazon.com. Remsen is pretty sure Suzie would like to be transplanted to another host as he explains:

"She orders books on transplants in Braille so she can read them when I'm asleep, but I usually get the mail before she does. I can't cancel her Amazon account either, but I can at least return the books when I see them because its on my credit card."

Another oddity is that Remsen's right hand can type in both Spanish and English, though Remsen says he has no knowledge of the Spanish language.

*Brain surgeons McGillicutty and Sanchez named their method after patient zero, Mel Gibson.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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