Regulators have slammed the new Satellite TV Sofa Channel for not conforming to TV franchise guidelines. The channel schedule is described as too "twee" and cosy in a report published yesterday.
The subscription package, consisting of a free sofa every bank holiday, delivered to subscribers' doors, two free cruises, a monthly payment to five charities, life insurance, a CD of Michael Parkinson babbling on and an inaccurate weather forecast is additionally criticised as being too expensive, at £3,000 per month.
The rival Free-shit satellite service has been described as having far less patronising advertisements, which don't rave and explode onto the screen every two minutes.
The new Sofa Channel was devised to steal viewers from the far less irritating Freeview spin-off.
Controversially, the new channel does not transmit any sound or visual programs.