Prince Harry has incurred the wrath of his grandmother The Queen after a drunken argument with brother William ended in outlandish embarrassment.
'It all started last night over dinner at the Palace,' recounted Harry, from his hospital bed. 'Golden boy Billy snatched the last bit of garlic bread, and I called him a greedy bastard. I was starving, he'd had twice as much as me. We'd both been on the piss all day, and it got a bit heated. He wasn't happy, and he told me to go and fuck myself. He'd eaten all the food, so I wanted him to eat his words too.'
That was the point at which Harry doddered off and clambered on the Tube to Madame Tussaud's, near Baker Street station.
Eyewitness Heidi Nwatchin, 26, was at the attraction at the time, and saw the abomination unfold. She takes up the story:
'Harry literally bulldozed through the door and stumbled across in front of me. He fell over the security barriers, making a beeline for the sculpture of himself.' Miss Nwatchin looked visibly shaken as she continued, 'I hid behind Elton John, it was scary. He ripped the trousers from the statue, pulled his own trousers down, and... well... forced himself on himself. The memory of it will never leave me.'
Unfortunately, the Prince fell asleep mid-thrust, and it took nearly an hour for paramedics to arrive.
Amulanceman Dick Bother told us, 'The friction had made the wax soft, enabling Harry to... do what he did. But when he fell asleep, the wax set again, forcing us to take the real and model Harry to hospital together. It must have been quite some spectacle.'
The Prince will be convalescing for some time, with 'unspecified injures' according to hospital sources.
The Duke of Cambridge visited his brother last night, briefly commenting on leaving the ward, 'Old Victoria must be turning in her fucking grave. The kid's an absolute fucking tool at times.'