Chad Ochocinco Arrested After Headbutting Wife

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Sunday, 12 August 2012


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Exhibit A - The football that Ochocinco hit his wife Evelyn with. (Photo courtesy of The Davie Police Dept.)

DAVIE, Florida - Chad Johnson, who is better known as Chad Ochocinco, is regarded as one of the most conceited athletes in the history of sports.

Dottie Bazooka with Sports Balls Illustrated Daily recently interviewed "Mr. 85" and she came away feeling that Chad is without a doubt one of the most arrogant, conceited, self-centered, egotistical sports figures to ever grab his crotch.

Miss Bazooka noted that where most athletes do a quick grab and release, Ochocinco does a grab and linger type of routine which is usually the type of thing that quasi-perverts do.

In fact, when he appeared as a dance contestant on Dancing With The Stars, his professional partner Cheryl Burke had to tell him at least a dozen times a day during rehearsals to stop touching his Johnson and pay attention to the dance routines she was trying to teach him.

Burke finally had to inform the shows head judge Len "The Grouchy Grouch" Goodman to sit Chad down and have a man-to-man talk with him.

Goodman asked "85" if he had ever seen other males such as Tom Bergeron, Bruno Tonioli, Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Tony Dovolani, or Derek Hough standing around diddling with their dipstick.

Chad replied that he hadn't and he promised that he would try his best to refrain from touching his dinky dink (wiggle widget).

Ochocinco seems to have a penchant for staying in the limelight as evidenced by his latest incident.

Davie Police were called to the home the Miami Dolphin's receiver shares with his wife the stunningly well-endowed Evelyn Lozada.

Officers Walton Clipperclaw [Badge #503] and Bobby Burdestelli [Badge #507] responded to the family disturbance call. When they got there they saw that Evelyn Lozada-Johnson was bleeding from her forehead.

When asked what happened she said that her husband had headbutted her, while he was wearing his Dolphin's football helmet, simply because she had asked him about a case of glow-in-the-dark condoms that she had found in the trunk of his 2012 orange Lamborghini Murcielago.

Chad told Officer Burdestelli that the box of condoms did not belong to him and that they must have been planted in his car trunk by law enforcement officers who do not like him.

He then added that the reason why his wife was bleeding from her forehead was because she had messed up when she had tried to give herself some botox injections.

Evelyn, who used to appear in the reality show, Basketball Wives, said that Chad had also bounced a football off of her gorgeous-looking tata's and tried to stick a kicking T in her mouth as well.

She then began sobbing uncontrollably as she said that her husband had also poured a big 10 gallon container of orange Gatorade all over her.

Chad Ochocinco was handcuffed, arrested, and taken downtown for booking. His police mug shot shows him grinning while holding a football in his right hand and a buffalo wing in his left hand

In Political News. Sarah "The Tundra Troll" Palin has said that Mitt Romney should have picked a better known, smarter, more dedicated vice-presidential candidate such as herself, but no he had to go and pick an anti-union, anti-hunting, anti-fishing, Eddie Munster-looking fella from Minnesota (Wisconsin actually. -EDITOR).

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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