Written by Ossurworld

Sunday, 12 August 2012

We knew there was trouble last week for Chad Johnson, formerly known as the sleight-of-hand artist Ochocinco. Like Ralph Kramden of the Honeymooners, he had let his bluster get out of hand.

As part of the publicity campaign for Hard Knocks, the fake reality show the NFL has set up to publicize its product line, Chad claimed he may seek work as an adult film star.

If that was what he had in mind, he should have asked Rob Gronkowski about it last season. Gronk travels in those circles.

Instead, while with the Miami Dolphins on a test drive, Chad Johnson went out with his new wife of a month on a dinner date. Their own reality show, Ocho and Evelyn, won't begin till next month.

In a dry rehearsal, she promptly found a receipt for a box of condoms. Reports did not mention the brand, style, or size. This apparently was done without her knowledge or interest. During the discussion as to why Chad needed condoms, he head-butt his wife.

This is only a misdemeanor in Florida where "stand your ground" laws mean you can shoot anyone who eats Skittles on the street.

However, the larger world still frowns on domestic violence. Beating his wife is not going to win friendship with Roger Goodell, no matter how many sweet tweets the former Ochocinco sends.

The NFL's new anti-battering women campaign is off to a rocking start with Johnson now behind bars.

Perhaps Chad's beautiful, diminutive and opinionated wife, Evelyn Lozado instigated the fisticuffs, but generally a football player picking on a woman is not considered a fair fight, even in the best of situations.

In a recent press conference, the former Mr. Ochocinco announced that dog catcher Bill Belichick put a muzzle on the carefree, devil-may-care Johnson all last season.

Now he was ready to howl at the moon and bite all comers. The Moon over Miami has that effect on idiots.

Next time you see Ocho, you may ask him if he still beats his wife. In the meantime, those condoms may come in handy at the prison-and it may be good practice for his career as an adult film star.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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Topics: Chad Ochocinco

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