The X-Factor Massacre - Simon Cowell Fires Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger, and Steve Jones

Written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 31 January 2012

image for The X-Factor Massacre - Simon Cowell Fires Paula Abdul, Nicole Scherzinger, and Steve Jones
Simon said that Nicole Scherzinger (shown in photo) was let go because she just cried way too much. (Photo by Ke$ha).

HOLLYWOOD - Simon Cowell, the man behind X-Factor has just demonstrated why one of his many nicknames "The Count of Cruelty" fits him to a T...shirt.

The 52-year-old entrepreneur who brought American Idol, America's Got Talent, and X-Factor to the shores of America has just shown the entertainment industry that he is not bashful when it comes to running the show (no pun intended).

Tittle Tattle Tonight reported that one thing about Sir Simon is that it is always his way or the highway. Pico de Gallo remarked that the few times he has interviewed the man also known as "The Sultan of Sarcasm" he has seen first hand that he rules with an iron fist and an expletive laden iron mouth.

X-Factor host Steve Jones was the first cast member to feel the sting of the English mogul.

Cowell said he terminated Jones because he was just much to robotic and extremely difficult for the average American viewer to understand due to his very strong Welsh accent.

Cowell added that Jones would mispronounce simple words like hysterectomy, Massachusetts, prophylactic, and Jose Cuervo Tequila on a weekly basis.

Simon even revealed that he had hired an unemployed Charlie Sheen (at great expense) to teach him how to correctly pronounce some of the more common American words without an accent but Jones would forget from one day to the next.

Nicole Scherzinger was the next to go. Simon informed de Gallo that his reason for letting Nicole go was due to the fact that the woman cried just too damn much.

He confessed that it made him feel very uneasy to sit there during the show and have Nicole shed teardrops all over the judges table and on several occasions Paula (Abdul) got very angry at her because she had shed several tears in her glass of Coca Cola.

Simon did want to make it perfectly clear that he was not terminating Nicole because she had refused his offer of going over to his Hollywood Hills mansion Casa La T-Shirt for a bit of mattress frolicking.

He said that although he and his fiancee Mezhgan Hussainy do have an understanding there is just no way in the world that he would ever want to get tear stains on his $4,000 imported Turkish silk sheets.

Cowell then said that he really hated to let Paula go but it got to the point where she just kept reaching underneath the judges table during the commercials and using her left hand to tap him on his right thigh as if she was Charlie Watts.

[EDITOR'S NOTE: Charlie Watts is the drummer for the Rolling Stones.]

The "Viceroy of Venom" added that the first 17 times or so he really didn't mind it but after that it kinda got somewhat embarrassing and he actually began feeling like he was nothing more than a snare drum.

When Pico de Gallo asked Cowell who he would be replacing the 'Terminated Trio' with he simply smiled, took a puff from his Marlboro cigarette and replied, "If I may be honest - I really and truly have no bloomin' idea."

SIDENOTE: The word on the streets of LaLaLand is that Steve Jones' replacement could possibly be American Idol host Ryan "Peaches" Seacrest.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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