Twilight Breaking Dawn Part 1 - Probably The Greatest Movie Ever Made

Written by Skoob1999

Thursday, 17 November 2011


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The Dorking Chapter Of The Twilight Fan Club Head Off To View The Premiere Up West

Robert Pattinson, Kristen Stewart and Taylor Lautner must have been celebrating last night, as Twilight Breaking Dawn Part One was lauded by international media critics as 'probably the greatest movie ever made, and certainly the best story over told.'

The chronicles of vampire, Edward Cullen, semi-sort of a bit vampire but not quite sure about it yet, Bella Swan, and shirt-ripping lycanthrope, Jacob, and their increasingly tangled menage a trois, have captured the imaginations of teens the world over.

Probably more so in Romania than most other places, but then, as everybody knows, Romania has more vampires and werewolves than any other country on earth - even though most of them are American.

The movie's focus on Bella's pregnancy, by vampire, Edward, has been compared to the elevated emotional levels of all time classic movies, such as Casablanca, Das Boot, Escape To Victory, When Harry Met Sally, and Rosemary's Baby.

Except with buckets of blood, and no obvious sexual context to speak of.

"It reminded me of Brief Encounter," said Skoob Entertainment News's head honcho, Buffty Ginslinger. "That one set at the station, in the cafe. I was as pissed as a fart when I watched that too. Except this one has gore, whereas that one only had teary-eyed close-ups. Makes no odds, they all look the same to me after a few large G&T's."

X-Factor reject, Frankie Cocozza, who got sacked by Sir Alan Sugar after his barbershop chain idea flopped dismally, told associates that he's always loved the Twilight franchise, and that the latest instalment will surely go down in cinematic history as the greatest movie ever made, and promised to watch it just as soon as he comes down off his latest bender.

Sadly, The Times, Britain's most exclusive former broadsheet newspaper, only gave the film one star, and took the piss out of the way the film's editors shunned anything remotely sexual, in favour of scenes of graphic violence, in order to secure a 12 certificate.

It described the film as: "Not so much a horror film, just downright horrible."

Part two is due for release next year.

Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, told reporters: "This is territory I never envisaged revisiting, to be honest. It's all a load of old shit really. The only thing the Twilight franchise inspires in me is the loss of the will to live."

More as we get it.

Probably in the neck...

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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