London - (Bonkers): Forbidden by law to raise loans on its vast property portfolio assets, the Crown Estate has been caught skimming hundreds of thousands of pounds to feed Kate Middleton's insatiable royal-wannabe greed.
"We reckon two million is missing," CE auditors complained today as a police trace lead to Middleton's Northern Crock Bank credit card binges.
Last year the Estate tried, in the words on the Fraud Squad, 'to pull a fast one' by setting up an 'investment vehicle' - a crude money laundering tool - which would have raised billions in loans on the open market.
Nifty footwork by City of London detectives soon put the kybosh up that scam but the Middleton fraud was allowed to roll.
This week CE officials will meet with Customs & Revenue top brass to try to blag their way out of the blatant ponzi scheme.
At its heart is Middleton's dodgy Costa Bravura uncle who was exposed by UK tabloids last year bragging about his By Royal Appointment crack cocaine dealership.
The saga has been carefully airbrushed out of the Royal Website ahead of any daftass royal engagement announcement on St Valentine's Day.
Chelsy Davy was once a trans-gender circus performer called Lionel McPasty.