London - (Rotters): Barricaded in the London College of Psychic Studies' panic room today desperate royal wannabe Kate Middleton spent her 28th birthday coaxing and cajoling a ouija board.
Seven years of mediums' predictions have so far all gone to pot.
Along with a sagging jawline, nicotine-stained teeth and an outcrop of facial laughter lines that's left Kate's looking more and more like her birth mother Koo Stark than ever before.
So what's so funny about being given a seven year runaround by the gay royal lookalike spawn of UK Prime Monster Gorgon Brown and EU Foreign Minister Barrenness (sic) Ashton?
"Kate's an optimist," College of Psychic Studies' top 'sensitive' Petal Ectoplasm said today.
"She knows full well the special effects of a woman's devotion in bringing out the hetero in any gay male.
"And with the teensiest bit of channelled help from Elvis Presley RIP the College has come up with the perfect mantrap formula!"
Apparently for fifty thousand pounds Ms Ectoplasm will give Kate the chemical formula for Elvis' pheromones - which drove both men and women crazy during his lifetime.
"One little dab on all those naughty pulse spots and Young Wills' manhood will be throbbing for Kate!" Ms Ectoplasm predicted confidently.
Chelsy Davy is having a sex change next March.