The Bush Administration, led by Treasury Secretary Henry Paulsen and Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke, facing an incredulous Main Street America and a dumb & dumber Congress, has promulgated additional components to their most recent foray to join the Hedge Fund community.
Following recent {$19 googol} investments in "Fannie Mae/Freddie Mac," Bear Stearns and AIG, the Greenbelt Crowd has faced harsh criticism for bailing out fat cats and platinum parachutes. Washington has responded that all of their endeavors have been necessary; citing issues of national security, weak demand, graft that would make Idi Amin blush, excessive inventories, shifting fickle consumer preferences, unprecedented financial myopia, employment dislocations, pending patent infringement and product liability litigation, massive internal & external shrinkage, unfair global competition pending WTO sanctions and an unanticipated adverse credit climate created by the resignation of Eliot Spitzer. Along with the previous "investments," Washington announced additional investments in the following companies:
- Heidi Fleiss' Heidiwear Clothiers and Stud Farm (1st wind Powered brothel for women)
Merlin & Associates Alchemy
Acme Quirt & Buggy Whips
Karinas Whalebone Corsets Company
Peter's Tulips
Wil E. Coyote Bancorp
Aarons Amulets & Idols
Triangle Shirtwaist Company
Lionel
Pet Rock Worldwide Distributors Inc
Sinbad's Sundials, Lodestones and Astrolabes
Dr. Harris's All Purpose Snake Oil & Poultice
White Swan Luxury Travel
Eckner Zeppelin Company, N.A.
New Orleans Homebuilders & Sons
Aceh Vacation resorts International
La Grange Entertainment Services Unlimited
Pinatubo Pleasure Park
St. Helens Lumber
Tucker Motor Corp
Copper 7 Family of Companies
Pan American Airways
Webcor Wire Recorder Inc
Emu & Chinchilla Ranchers of America
Lee De Forest Television Studios
Susan Powter "Stop The Madness" Productions
Glenn W. Turner Enterprises[/ul
The Congressional Budget Office has estimated the total cost of taking a majority stake in these additional glowing and sparkling examples of American entrepreneurship should be just over $8.38 Gazillion or roughly the entire gross domestic product (GDP) for the next seventy one years. Congressional concerns were assuaged once the rumored financing, facilitated by Oliver North, to a consortium led by the Corleone Investment and Olive Oil Company and the Pablo Escobar Foundation was confirmed...and at very favorable "weekly rates."
Additionally, responding to complaints and emails from small town Alaskan mayors regarding the lack of representation of any average Americans on any of the buyout lists and recognizing the concept of moral hazard, the following additional parties will be "made whole" and recapitalized:
- Abraham Lincoln
Phineas Taylor Barnum
Samuel Langhorne Clemens
Anita Bryant
Ulysses Simpson Grant
Robert Vesco
L. Frank Baum
Willie Nelson
Walt Disney
O.J. Simpson [DELETED]
Dorothy Hamill
West Wing staffers were directed to compile the final list as a nod to a representative cross section of "Good Solid Americans." Democratic Senators were heard grumbling about overweighting the final list additions with Republicans. The White House refused comment, citing confidentiality, executive privilege, national security, "none of your beeswax" and cooties.
An unnamed highly placed source replied to this reporter, "Hell, everbody is too big to fail cept Democrats. gays and that bitch, Barbra Streisand…but shit, they are all damn Democrats"!
