Wall Street bailout delayed in dispute over whose face should be on the One Trillion-Dollar Bill: Mr. Monopoly, Alfred E. Neuman or Bush

Funny story written by Robert W. Armijo

Sunday, 21 September 2008

Washington, DC - Since Friday, after Bush authorized the U.S. Treasury Dept. to print the nation's first-time ever one trillion-dollar bill to bailout Wall Street robber barons, Republicans and Democrats have been meeting behind closed doors, negotiating the details of the deal. However, word has been leaked to the media that those talks broke down early Sunday morning in a dispute over whose image should appear on the infamous legal tender.

Among the final images under consideration that caused Sunday's impasse: Mr. Monopoly (Rich Uncle Penneybags), Alfred E. Neuman of "Mad Magazine" fame and President George W. Bush.

"George W. Bush is the obvious choice," said a Democratic Senator. "Since he is the one responsible for the financial fiasco."

"The only thing obvious here is that this dispute is drawn along party lines," said a spokesman for the GOP. "Having said that though. Ironically, we agree with many of our Democratic friends across the aisle. Only for different reasons, of course."

Members of the GOP are united that the one trillion-dollar bill should bare the image of Bush on it, only as a tribute to him for having saved the nation and the world from economic collapse.

"Democrats only want Bush's image on the one trillion-dollar bill to mock him, because they believe that somehow his administration's lack of regulation is responsible for bring the market to the brink of collapse," said a Republican Senator. "While we see it as evidence of his unflinching faith in the free market system and the doctrine of Laissez Faire in the face of it. Poor guy. He held out as long as he could."

Meanwhile, other Democrats maintain that since the one trillion-dollar bill is actually worthless than the paper it is printed on, the American people should be alerted of that fact. Just in case anyone on Wall Street attempts to re-circulate it back into the economy for something of actual value.

"We don't want a one trillion-dollar bill showing up at the corner local liquor store," said a spokesman for the DNC. "So having the image of Mr. Monopoly (Rich Uncle Penneybags) would serve as an additional security feature. Like embedding a watermark to prevent counterfeiting or something like that. Also, should the bailout fail, Americans will not have to buy any phony money to play the game "Monopoly" while sitting unemployed at their so to be foreclosed homes, because they will already have one trillion-dollars worth of it already in circulation."

Still, another contingent of Democrats, a small but devoted clandestine coterie that have threatened a filibuster, holding up the vote on the bailout, is lobbying for the image of Alfred E. Neuman of "Mad Magazine" fame to be placed on the one trillion-dollar bill.

"Our position is that of the people," said a man wearing a black ski mask, holding a voice box distorter to his neck as he spoke for the militant group of Democrats. "It's all one big joke telling the proletariats that the bailout of the aristocracy excesses was necessary so that the working class wouldn't lose their jobs, when they are already losing their homes. So why not put Alfred E. Neuman on the one trillion-dollar bill? At least that way it will put a smile on their faces. And believe us, if you knew what we knew about what can happen it this bailout doesn't workout, you'd know why were are so determined to get Alfred E. Neuman on that currency."

Despite the current deadlock, Washington insiders are confident a compromise can be reached among all extremist factions in time to pass the bailout, saving capital markets domestic and abroad from the greatest economic catastrophe ever experienced since the Great Depression

"Besides," said a Washington insider. "There is a striking resemblance between the two. We'll have to get permission from Mad Magazine, of course. Huh, I wonder how much bad debt they're carrying."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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