Washington, DC - With the full backing of the Fed -- that is the solvency of the nation's backbone: The American taxpayer -- AIG announced today that it changed its name to [Mr.] BIG. So to appeal to the latest report designed to continue to feed and play on fears of insecure housewives, working women and career women alike.
"Henceforth, from this day forward, AIG is to be known as '[Mr.] BIG," said an AIG CEO. "Not only because it's our new legal name now, but because it's true as well."
According to a spokesman for [Mr.] BIG, the name change was necessary to reflect the reality of the new market situation and not some cheep attempt to make a clever play on letters and words to construct sophomoric puns either.
"We're trying to give the little guy, like the Lehman Brothers, a heads up that something big is coming their way," said a spokesman for [Mr.] BIG. "In fact, you could say, we're giving the Lehman Brothers of the financial world a fair warning because it's big of us."
Market analysts say that if [Mr.] BIG plays its cards right, soon they will be in a prime position for global domination of the insurance market and more tail than preachers, policemen and firemen get combined.
"Or more importantly," says [Mr.] BIG. "All ex-spouse tail of their former investment banking and mortgage broker powers houses co-workers on a scale not seen since the banking industry merger craze of the 1980s, 1990s or all this decade so far."
When that finally happens, [Mr.] BIG says he will be ready.
"We already trademarked '[Mr.] BIGGER', '[Mr.] BIGGEST' and [Mr.] MAGNUM BIG."
"Stop us, if you can," said a [Mr.] BIG spokesman. "It's no holds bared. Because now we can take on all the risks that we really wanted but were limited by lax regulation, deregulation, and the amount of private investment capital we could raise and were ultimately held accountable to the shareholders. With Uncle Sam as a business partner, and the U.S. taxpayer picking up the check, the sky is the limit, and your wife coveting your neighbor's husband is not."
According to [Mr.] BIG, they are both every solvent and insolvent corporation on Wall Street worst nightmare and wet dream come true: A multinational conglomerate with privatized profits and socialized losses.
"We dare any corporation still clinging to that old capitalistic business model of enjoying the fruits of your own labor, when you can steal your neighbor's fruit," says [Mr.] BIG. "Why adhere to outdated notions like suffering the consequences of your actions, or Moral Hazard. That talk is for losers. Just like the business ethics babble they make you take at business school to get your degree."
[Mr.] BIG advised all CEOs that head solvent, sound business-practicing corporations to retire early, or prepare to be boarded.
"You better have your poison pill handy, because this time around there will be no golden parachutes," said [Mr.] BIG. "Just accepting unconditional terms of surrender."
[Mr.] BIG cautions that no solvent, sound business-practicing corporation can expect to compete and survive in this new market.
"Not against a corporation with access to virtually unlimited capital reserves," said [Mr.] BIG. "Looks like the good guys finish last and only the good die young after all."