Written by Morse

Sunday, 20 July 2008

In a deal completed late today, JP Morgan announced it has traded Bear Stearns, the investment banking switch hitter, recently named in the Wall Street mortgage steroid scandal, to the New York Yankees for Alex Rodriquez who unlike several Bear Stearns upper executives, has repeatedly passed his urine tests.

Rodriquez who just signed a 10 year $270m deal with the Yankees waived his no trade clause and said it was time to move from Yankee Pin Stripes to Armani Pin Stripes in the front office of a world class bank. JP Morgan recently announced it had paid $237m for the 85 year old, fifth largest US Investment Bank, and would pick up the balance of A-Rods contract to the Yankees of $37m over the 10 year period of his contract with the team. A Yankee spokesman said it would probably move Bear Stearns to the Bull Pen for the first month of the season, declare a career ending injury, and collect the insurance for the contract from the Federal Government, which insured it for 125% of the deal. "It's a win-win for us" said Hank Steinbrenner , President of the club, "not even Hillary Clinton can make 25% on $270M in 30 days!"

A JP Morgan spokesman said A-Rod would fit right in the investment banking scene..."he can hit and run, make the big money double play, take a walk when things go bad, and even at his age he can still steal when the team needs a little financial help...and we're really banking on him."
The source said A-Rod would probably assume command of the overseas mortgage banking division in a partnership with French bank Societe Generale which recently was out-frogged by a 31 year old unsupervised investment trader to the tune of $7.2B.

James Cayne, the 74 year old semi-retired Chairman of BS was at an international bridge tournament in Detroit over the week end as his company unraveled and was unavailable to comment. It has been noted that Mr. Cayne's 5,612,922 shares of BS valued at $170 per share in January 2007 ($954,196,740) was worth $11,225,844 at the opening bell today while the rest of the nearly 14,000 world wide employees who owned 33% of BS were left disenfranchised and probably without a job. A spokesman at H@R Block indicated that Mr. Cayne could probably use the write off.

Shares of Bear Stearns appeared on E-bay Monday evening selling in the Martha Stewart bathroom accessories department for a no reserve price of $.25, or blocks of 100 for wall paper border at $19.95 (BUT WAIT, IF YOU BID NOW WE'LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER!!)

Mr Alan Schwartz, CEO for barely 2 months, was not in his office for comment, as one office wag said, " because he was unable to find it yet..." Mr. Swartz's sign on bonus of 500,000 BS shares worth $40M in January this year was worth $1m this morning over a latte at Starbucks. (no $20 tip this morning Julio!)


The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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