Mattel Recalls Heidi Klum

Funny story written by Steve Shives

Wednesday, 15 August 2007

image for Mattel Recalls Heidi Klum
Heidi Klum

EL SEGUNDO, CA - Citing safety concerns originating with its Chinese manufacturers, toy company Mattel announced today an immediate recall of Heidi Klum. CEO Robert Eckert said the recall became necessary after an investigation into a Mattel subcontractor revealed potentially dangerous design flaws, including lead-based skin pigmentation, and small removable parts that constitute a choking hazard.

"It's an important recall, but it's also important not to blow this up out of proportion," Eckert told reporters during a conference call early this morning. "We're fortunate that with Heidi Klum most of the potentially hazardous small moving parts are contained beneath the epidermis. We just need to replace a few small components - fingernails, teeth, nipples, etc. - and strip that paint off and replace it with something non-toxic to consumers, and she'll be good to go."

Mattel introduced Heidi Klum in the early 1990s. Since then she has functioned in a variety of roles, most notably as a fashion model and television presenter. Since 2004 she has been the host of the reality series Project Runway on cable channel Bravo; to aid in her duties as host, prior to the taping of the first episode she was programmed to say three prerecorded phrases: "Hello!", "Make it work!" and "auf Wiedersehen!" In 2003 Heidi Klum was also fitted with an experimental ectogenetic artificial uterus which eventually allowed her to successfully carry human children to term, making her the first automaton to do so. Heidi Klum has to date given birth to three offspring.

Heidi Klum's husband Seal has been assured by Mattel he will be without his wife only a few days while technicians make the necessary upgrades. In the meantime, the company has loaned Seal the services of Alessandra Ambrosio free of charge. As of press time, Seal was unavailable for comment.

The recall is mainly a precautionary measure, CEO Eckert insists. "It's simply to allow us to correct these safety issues we've recently discovered. If we don't act to fix them now, who knows - something tragic could happen, or nothing at all could happen. We're just erring on the side of caution. People have been sucking on parts of Heidi Klum for years now and nothing's ever happened. We just want to keep it that way."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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