Britney Spears, American Idol and Antonella Barba inspire new Jackson & Perkins roses

Funny story written by King David

Saturday, 7 April 2007

image for Britney Spears, American Idol and Antonella Barba inspire new Jackson & Perkins roses
The new Britney Rose is a Jackson & Perkins variety featured by Harry & David

Jackson and Perkins, the nations oldest rose company (now owned by Harry and David), surprised gardeners this spring by coming out with a new rose named after Britney Spears. It's called the Britney Rose.

The Britney Rose is a shrub rose variety and will grow 2' to 5' tall if cared for properly. Its blossoms are skin pink and this variety will produce more hips than other types of roses.

Shrub roses are super rugged and will tolerated colder climates. They will also bloom heavily and repeatedly throughout the season. Care for Britney Roses will include the following:

--After she is permanently rooted, the trick will be in getting it to stay there. Britney Roses have a tendency to wander. Cut them back, but not too much. You don't want to inhibit creative growth.

--Make sure that the soil is moist and that you have plenty of organic material such as peat moss handy when you plant.

--After she is rooted, give her a good drink. But don't allow to drink more than once a week. Britney Roses don't need that much to drink. You'll run into problems with blackouts (blackspot), or cirrhosis of her petals.

--Also, fertilize your Britney Rose seasonally with a fertilizer that is fairly even in NPK (Nomore Partying Kid). A 15-15-15 ratio would be optimum.

--Britney Roses love sunshine and need at least 4-6 hours a day.

--In the winter, particularly before a hard frost, you want cover your Britney Roses with some kind of porous material. Cotton panties work best.

--It's also advisable to deadhead your Britney Rose so that she will be encouraged to put out even more, blossoms that is. Deadheading involves shaving the old bloom off to make room for new growth.

It doesn't involve cranking the stereo up and playing the Grateful Dead while your working in the garden unless, of course, you are planting American Beauties. They love the Grateful Dead.

Other kinds of roses now available from the Jackson and Perkins catalogue include:

The Antonella Barba, an auburn-colored social climber that likes to climb on basketballs.

The American Idol, a red variation of the Antonella Barba.

The Golden Shower, a yellow climber that drinks and pisses.

The Queen Rose, a staunch and elegant tea rose with roots as deep as Socrates and a smile capable of cracking castle walls.

The Sir Elton John Rose, a gay rose capable of singing and playing the piano.

And The Lola Rose, a Ray Davies English Queen rose that changes color.

You may order your Britney Rose, or any of these other roses mentioned by calling toll-free, anytime: 1-877-322-2300.

Happy planting.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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