Are you a sinner? Of course you are, you piece of shit. But I, Preacherman Hotchkiss, will pray for you (and maybe more) for as low as $100 American cash. I do not, as yet, take credit cards or crypto.
You may say, Preacherman Hotchkiss, how can you ensure that your prayers will work? ‘Cuz if they don’t, I’ll give some serious whoopass on the Devil hisself!
(I used to play linebacker for the Cincinnati Holy Hogs, so I know how to give good tackle.)
If that ole devil done come around here, I’ll put him in an armlock and jump off the top rope for a serious body slam back to the gates of hell!
(I also used to be a wrestler on the amateur circuit, playing all the gyms and high schools and church basement – Halleluyah!)
Now if your sin is bad – and I mean really bad – then I’m gonna have to charge you more. Maybe up to $1000 [or a few more zeros, we’ll make up a payment plan], if it’s, like, murder or you have to hide some of your past and have someone else take the blame. Or maybe you need me to lie to congress, or carry a suspicious bag while in disguise and pretend it wasn’t me, or lie to the senate, or lie to a cop and maybe take a swing at him – well, you’re gonna have to pay a lot more than a 100 dollars – that’s the LOWEST I can go, just so’s we unnnerstand each other real good.
My price gonna need a lot more zeros – my favourite number, but not when alone and lonely.
So call now 1-800-Pray-4-Pay … let it ring, you may be calling China, but I’ll pick up eventually. And don’t forget – I still got the biceps to get the Devil in a headlock and make him squeal like a pig!
Call the Preacherman now … my lovely wife, Damiona, is waiting for your call.
