Russian Hackers Manipulating Dow Jones Averages

Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Thursday, 31 January 2019

Washington, D.C. A court filing today by special counsel Robert Mueller, revealed that Russian hackers have, since 2015, regularly altered the Dow Jones Industrial averages for the benefit of Donald Trump.

At a previously undisclosed Moscow meeting between Trump agents and high Kremlin officials, Mueller wrote, the Russians informed the Americans that they could now hack into the closely guarded Dow averages, and manipulate them for the benefit of Trump, politically. Mueller did not indicate what quid pro quo was expected from Trump.

While Mueller omitted specifics regarding the hacking, the extremely fast rise in the Dow averages following Trump's election are now attributed to the hackers, who secretly changed the formula for calculating the industrial average. The drastic fall in late December was apparently an attempt to allow Russian oligarchs to buy into stocks at cut-rate prices, which then quickly rose in January, wiping out nearly all of the phony December losses.

That December decline was also a wake-up call to Trump, who had momentarily taken a hard line on Russia's action in Ukraine, but has now returned to his admiration for Vladimir Putin.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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