Sears Tower, Chicago. Edward Lampert, hedge fund manager and the largest stockholder in Sears, Roebuck and Co., today announced that his company's 400-plus stores would remain open under a deal he just negotiated with the nation's largest cut-rate dollar store.
Under the terms of the agreement, Lampert said, Sears would become a wholly-owned subsidiary of "The $1.02 Store," commonly called "The Dollar Two." All of Sears remaining stores - they've closed hundreds already - will remain open, and no more employees will lose their jobs. Their pay, however, will be cut to sub-minimum wage, or less, where legal.
"I could have merged with other 99 cent stores, or even a 97 cent store, but they hardly fit the image of the nation's once-largest retailer. Dollar Two has the class we were seeking," Lampert told The Spoof. "I think this deal will be almost as good as our previous merger with K-Mart."