Written by Ralph E. Shaffer

Thursday, 10 January 2019

Sears Tower, Chicago. Edward Lampert, hedge fund manager and the largest stockholder in Sears, Roebuck and Co., today announced that his company's 400-plus stores would remain open under a deal he just negotiated with the nation's largest cut-rate dollar store.

Under the terms of the agreement, Lampert said, Sears would become a wholly-owned subsidiary of "The $1.02 Store," commonly called "The Dollar Two." All of Sears remaining stores - they've closed hundreds already - will remain open, and no more employees will lose their jobs. Their pay, however, will be cut to sub-minimum wage, or less, where legal.

"I could have merged with other 99 cent stores, or even a 97 cent store, but they hardly fit the image of the nation's once-largest retailer. Dollar Two has the class we were seeking," Lampert told The Spoof. "I think this deal will be almost as good as our previous merger with K-Mart."

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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