Consumer Review - Starbucks vs Dunkin Donuts

Funny story written by CashForComedy

Monday, 16 November 2015


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Boston MA - Let's be honest, we have all had the opportunity of visiting each of these food service chains at least once. It wouldn't even be out of the realm of possibility that you have hit them both in the same day. I definitely prefer one over the other but the utter convenience of 7 Dunky's to just one Starbucks in my town makes the decision for itself some days. Here we will touch on some of the key differences as well as what these two java juggernauts share in common.

Price is always a key issue, especially when it involves a product that is widely purchased on a daily basis. We are talking coffee shops here, so let's equate the cost of a mid sized basic coffee at each vendor. (If every day you are buying a 600 calorie drink that takes 8 words to describe while ordering, you are just an asshole with too much disposable income, and most likely, excess fat). A common misconception is that Starbucks is far more expensive, but when the base model mid sized coffee is compared while using the Starbucks reward system the outcome is very similar.

Becoming a "gold" member at Starbucks is as easy as visiting a shop an average of 2.5 times per month for a year. This results in a free drink of choice after every 12 purchases. So 13 coffees at Dunkin is going to run you $25.87, while at Starbucks 12 of the same mid sized costs $25.92, yet the 13th is free. The difference is a nickel, and that is only if you don't decide to cash in your free drink as some $6.75 banana split in a cup that takes your barista more time to make than the bathroom visit for the shit you are going to have to take as soon as you ingest the first sip. Dollars to donuts, Starbucks actually develops as the better deal to the consumer.

This is a surprising statistic to some, and a lot of uptight Starbucks hipsters can breathe a sigh of relief. Now, over the course of the month they can use that extra pocket change to take their bi-curious papillon named Francoise to get his asshole bleached at the groomer. Meanwhile Dunkin customers are looking for areas to pinch pennies to make up for Starbucks competitive prices, resulting in widespread layoffs at Walmart and diminished attendance at NASCAR races.

I'm not saying that there is a noticeable difference between the two coffee giants' clientele or service staff. I'm saying there is a difference so huge that it isn't even fair to compare them. The assumption would be that the difference in IQ between your average worker at each shop would be pretty high. However the reason for this apparent incompetence is that Dunkin workers just plain don't give a shit. They are offered minimum wage and nearly no benefits at all while Starbucks employees are offered a much cleaner work environment as well as incentives and better wages. This goes a long way in the service industry.

Incentives also go a long way for the consumer. Recently DD has rolled out their DD Perks membership, promoting more expensive options and a pretty respectable amount of disgusting, pre formed shit-food just like its competitor. The only difference here is that Starbucks makes the same food look more enticing. So weather you prefer one of these to the other, the next time you decide to take your next coffee break, consider brewing it yourself and use that extra time to take Francoise to the dog park to show off his perfectly groomed balloonknot.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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