BP Celebrates Earth Day and Positive Change (of the Climate Variety)

Funny story written by Chrissy Benson

Tuesday, 22 April 2014

This Earth Day, British Petroleum took the opportunity to celebrate the oil company's significant environmental progress. "We feel good about all BP has done to effect positive change," announced Group Chief Executive Bob Dudley. "Of the climate variety, that is."

In particular, Dudley emphasized BP's commitment to the public (relations) interest, noting that the company has a history of putting its wallet behind its values. For instance, BP spent $94 million on ads in the 12 months following the Deepwater Horizon spill in 2010.

And in 2012, it committed over $500 million to restore its brand image, which, like countless species of birds and marine wildlife that still have not recovered and 11 people who were killed, was gravely injured by the spill.

Dudley pointed to the company's website, which proclaims that "BP is working to avoid, minimize and mitigate environmental impacts wherever we do business." Dudley elaborated that, while this remains largely true, an even higher priority for the company is "to avoid, minimize and mitigate environmental responsibility wherever we do business," so as to preserve the integrity of BP share value.

Dudley acknowledged that in March 2014, around 500 gallons of crude oil unfortunately spilled from BP's refinery in Whiting, Indiana, into Lake Michigan. He assured stockholders and concerned citizens that this latest incident is not going unaddressed; BP has invested millions of dollars to remedy any and all public (relations) harm caused by the spill.

BP spokesman Scott Dean added, "I've had no reports of any wildlife impacted. Then again, I just noticed my cell phone's been turned off. So it's possible I might have missed something."

Bob Dudley noted that BP's unwavering commitment to the public (relations) interest is paying off; March 2014 saw the lifting of a two-year government ban, thereby allowing BP to once again bid on new federal drilling leases.

"The lifting of the government ban has given us a new lease on life," remarked a sanguine Dudley, "and a new lease on the planet. This is a happy Earth Day, indeed!"

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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