Dairy Queen denies "sexism" charges

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Sunday, 23 February 2014


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EDINA, MN -- Feminists have charged that Dairy Queen is sexist.

The very name of the soft-serve ice cream company, Sheila Battle-Axe, Professor of Women's Studies at the University of Feminist Studies, says, is "insulting to women." "Queen," she points out, refers to a woman, and "dairy" is an "obvious reference," she maintains, "to women's breasts."

Dairy Queen's CEO, Clayton Buffett, responds to Battle-Axe's statement by saying, "She's nuttier than our Peanut Butter Parfait."

"She might as well say our banana split is sexist, too," counter clerk Betsy Ross, says, as she pumps soft-serve ice cream from one of her store's massive dispensers. "I mean, a banana definitely has a phallic shape--and we serve them sprinkled with nuts."

The company's change of its slogan from "We treat you right" to "Hot Eats, Cool Treats" is also "indicative of the company's blatant sexism," Battle-Axe contends, suggesting that "Hot Eats" is an "obvious euphemism" for cunnilingus, just as the phrase "Cool Treats" suggest that women should be regarded as fashionable, or chic, "treats" that satisfy male appetites.

The company's logo, Battle-Axe's colleague, Cat Traitter, Assistant Professor of Women Are the Superior Sex, is also sexist. Although corporate executives contend that the red oval bearing the company's name, in white letters intended to suggest ice cream, is intended merely to represent the company and its signature product, Traitter insists that the design is actually a "stylized representation of the labia, shown distended, as if women's most intimate parts are 'open' to all. Frankly, it's disgusting."

"Dairy Queen has no intention of changing its name, its slogan, its logo, or its product," Buffett says. "If Professor Battle-Axe doesn't like it, she can eat elsewhere."

"Or try one of our banana splits," Ross suggests.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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