7-Eleven Raided

Funny story written by Gee Pee

Tuesday, 18 June 2013


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OH, THANK HEAVEN, NY - 7-Eleven convenience stores were raided across Long island, New Yawk, by the city's finest, accompanied by Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives (BATF) agents.

The U. S. government considers alcohol, tobacco, firearms and explosives to be "modern America's equivalents to the seven deadly sins, except that, in our less judgmental [i. e., more permissive and politically correct] times, have been reduced to four," evangelist Franklin Graham said.

So what did authorities suspect the stores were selling?

As it turns out, it wasn't the alcohol (the stores are licensed to sell adult beverages).

It wasn't the tobacco (sales of tobacco products, although evil, are still permitted by law, to adults)

It wasn't the firearms (the Constitution protects such sales-for now).

It wasn't even the explosives (they're illegal, but the stores don't sell them, except on the Fourth of July).

It was 32-ounce soft drinks!

In a city in which women may legally bare their breasts-something they cannot do on Facebook (unless they are breastfeeding their brats or showing off their mastectomy scars)-consumers are not permitted to consume 32-ounce soft drinks, regardless of flavor or brand, or national origin.

The metropolis, once a symbol of sophistication, has now become a nanny state-or a nanny municipality, at any rate--hell-bent, in the opinion of some, upon managing the lives of its citizens, young and old alike.

Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg, who is wealthy enough to drink the finest wines, rather than soft drinks, and to eat at the best restaurants in town, instead of fast-food joints, such as Taco Bell ("Think outside the bun"), where clerks lick taco shells; KFC ("Finger-lickin' good"), where servers dip their tongues into mashed potatoes; or Wendy's ("Now, that's better"), where employees suck samples from soft-serve ice cream machines (Wendy's-"now that's better"), roundly condemns the sale of big sodas, but says he "favors boobies," and has defended the city's sweep of the 7-Elevens that were illegally selling quart-size Big Gulps.

The consumption of "monster-size sodas," Bloomberg contends, "is a public health hazard." Besides, "it makes people fat," he added, "and I don't like fat people anymore than the First Lady does."

He reiterated, however, that he does like "boobies."

The cost of the police sweep, as contrasted with that of the costs to the Obamacare system is "minute," Bloomberg says, "and worth every cent."

"That be easy for him to say," Sugar Daddy, a pimp who enjoyed Big Gulps before the ban on the sales of such drinks went into effect, "when it be other peep's money he using, and not his own. Let him hustle his sorry honky ass out here on the street, the way my bitches do; then, he won't be so free and easy in spending our hard-earn money."

In addition to raiding the 7-Elevens to enforce the soda ban, the authorities were enforcing laws against slavery: allegedly, the franchise was using illegal aliens to staff its stores, forcing them to work for a living.

"He might say that," Big Daddy opined, "but the raid really be 'bout me and my Big Gulp."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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