Gerry Adams 'butchered and ate missing champion racehorse Shergar' according to leprechaun super grass
Co Antrim, N Ireland - Former IRA thug turned Global Piss Process luminary Gerry Adams remains in custody tonight as Northern Irish police turn on the thumbscrews about his tastes in equine stuff. Adams, 69, was arrested Wednesday night following...
Read full storyHatfield-McCoy Feud Reignited Over Breakfast Buffet
Catlettsburg, KY - After 125 years of peace, the legendary Hatfield-McCoy family feud was reignited yesterday at the Catlettsburg Day's Inn off Highway 60. During the hotel's complimentary breakfast buffet, Davie Hatfield, the great-great-great-g...
Read full storyRedskins Change Name To Cowboys, Hope To Become "Native America's Team"
SNYDER'S LAST STAND, LANDOVER, MARYLAND -- Responding to continuing criticism of racial insensitivity, Washington Redskins owner Daniel Snyder has announced the franchise has changed its nickname to the Cowboys. "There, happy now! The best thing i...
Read full story69 Years Later, Jews Still Angry Over That Whole Nazi Thing
Buenos Aires, Brazil - Despite the passage of nearly 70 years, many Jews are still holding onto anger over the attempt by the German Nazi Party to exterminate them as a people group. "They tried to kill us out of existence, as a people, as a rel...
Read full storyNinth Grader Wins Science Medal at his Oklahoma High School for Three-Drug Lethal Injection Protocol
TULSA, OKLA--A ninth grader in Tulsa has won his class' science medal for developing a three-drug protocol to put inmates to death on death row in the "Sooner State," as its residents proudly call Oklahoma. Richie Westerman, who submitted his pro...
Read full storyKentucky Derby Horse 'Uncle Sigh' Doesn't Really Give a Damn About Race
Churchill Downs - As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: 'Uncle Sigh' just doesn't give a damn. The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race bu...
Read full storyNeil Young to change his name to "Neil Old"
Iconic rocker Neil Young has recently told Rolling Stone Magazine that he wishes to change his name to "Neil Old". "It makes sense," justified the almost seventy year old rocker from Canada. "I think it will bring me closer to my fans," he stated...
Read full storyBrad Pitt Going Bald!
"I was surprised when it didn't all grow back!", Hollywood heart- throb Brad Pitt explained while catching a glimpse of himself for the hundredth time in the hallway mirror. "I look like a friar in one of those old eroll flynn movies" cried brad as...
Read full storyRussia: We Will Bomb Ukraine Into The Stone Age Message Welcomed By Kiev
The Ukrainian Government has welcomed Russia's promise of "bombing them into the stone age" and see it as a chance to progress. "By advancing the Ukrainian people, from our current state of anthropological sub-infancy into the earliest dawning of...
Read full storyMichael Gove to Co-Present Top Gear
Expert on everything Michael Gove is to take part in the next Top Gear series. To prevent the loss of a presenter by any kind of mishap, the show will be presented by a rota of invited celebrity "guests". Petrol Head Gove will be first and will...
Read full storyUK Military to make soldiers out of UKIP leader's Skin
"It's so tough" asserted Major Jonathan Eaton Cum, "It's probably true that he's made of Teflon". Nigel Farage certainly gets away with much, without being shot. Army boffins agree: "We put him in front of a firing squad on Thursday and asked h...
Read full storyUKIP in politically correct tweet shocker
A senior UKIP MP has tweeted politically sensitive comments. "This is a disadvantage on the run up to the European elections" said leader Nigel Farage. Bernie Shaveless, UKIP representative for ASBO upon Thamesmead, suggested on Twitter that:...
Read full storyFree Gift For "One Show" Viewers From BBC
The BBC has offered to provide free airline-type sick bags for its Blue Peter - like "One Show" broadcasts, During the time at which the program is transmitted record incidences of vomiting are invariably reported. More viewers throw up while watch...
Read full storyJeb Bush Derides GOP Vagina Envy, Says He's Satisfied With What He Has In His Pants
Jeb Bush believes he's the only male Republican contender for president who doesn't have vagina envy, and admits he's not very well-versed on the female anatomy, making him a more oafishly appealing candidate to women. "Don't have one, don't want...
Read full storyGodzilla Damages Historic Suspension Bridge; "I Sometimes Bump Into Things"
Legendary film monster Godzilla inadvertently damaged the historic Wheeling, WV, Suspension Bridge Thursday afternoon while filming extra DVD footage for his new self-titled movie that is scheduled to be released in theaters May 16. The more than...
Read full storyNew Study: Fat Bottomed Girls May Not 'Make the Rockin' World Go Round' After All
Ithaca, NY - After years of tireless research at Cornell University, professors have released a study that brings into question the long-accepted fact the late great Freddie Mercury, from the rock band Queen, proclaimed to the world - Fat bot...
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