Kentucky Derby Horse 'Uncle Sigh' Doesn't Really Give a Damn About Race

Written by E. Williams

Friday, 2 May 2014

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Uncle Sigh could care less

Churchill Downs - As the 140th running of the Kentucky Derby nears, one fact about one of the horses in the running this year is clear: 'Uncle Sigh' just doesn't give a damn. The horse is already pissed about having to shave his beard for the race but insisted on his jockey being allowed to carry his signature green cup of special tea during the race.

"I mean, I'll race. I got no problem with that, Jack. But I'll be damned if they're gonna make me leave my tea cup somewhere during the race just so someone can steal it. No way, man." Uncle Sigh remarked.

Uncle Sigh rose to fame on the hit cable series "Duck Dynasty" as part of a clan of thoroughbreds who hunt ducks. He has made enough money to not have to give a crap about anything.

"They asked me if I wanted to race in this Kentucky Derby thing and I said sure, whatever. I ain't never been to Kentucky anyway. But I'm not gonna change who I am just for the race. Hell, I'll still probably stop and take a nap right in the middle of it. How long is this race anyway?" Sigh asked.

Sigh did mention one area of concern about the race though. "I heard there's a horse in the race named 'Candy Boy' and I think he might be gay. But as long as he doesn't get all up in my face about it, we're cool. I ain't got no problem with those types and let's just say, I'll be watching my back, Jack."

The Derby is a long way from the Louisiana swamps Sigh calls home so he is just taking in all the pageantry of the event. "These pretty women with their funky hats and their fancy drinks, for a horse race? I'll never understand city folk."

With that, Uncle Sigh starting pissing on the grass and took a huge dump on the track. Which meant this interview was officially over.

The story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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