Godzilla Damages Historic Suspension Bridge; "I Sometimes Bump Into Things"

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Friday, 2 May 2014

Legendary film monster Godzilla inadvertently damaged the historic Wheeling, WV, Suspension Bridge Thursday afternoon while filming extra DVD footage for his new self-titled movie that is scheduled to be released in theaters May 16.

The more than 150-year-old span remained closed as bridge engineers assessed the situation.

"Being 500 feet tall and weighing 100,000 tons -- at least according to my doctor's scale -- I sometimes bump into things unintentionally," said Godzilla, who was flown in via a special military transport arranged by the film studio. "I'm sorry about the bridge. It has a very interesting history. But you know how I am around bridges ... and tall buildings ... and anything in my path."

Godzilla 2014 is a co-production of Legendary Pictures and Warner Bros. Studio. The film retells the origin of the creature in contemporary times.

"I'm sure the film studio will make due on any costs associated with the repair of the bridge and the damage that was done from the flooding and fires I caused," Godzilla said.

Godzilla, who was relaxing with a few Mai Tais in thousand gallon storage tanks after shooting wrapped, said he wasn't sure Wheeling was the best location but he was eventually convinced that the shoot would OK if he stayed in the Ohio River.

"I told them we should film this in a more wide-open area, like around a bay bridge, but the filmmaker wanted a more initimate setting, somewhere that looked like I could just rampage through it and leave the entire area smoldering."

City Manager Robert Herron said the film studio had acquired all the proper permits but left out one important thing -- they were bringing in the real Godzilla.

"I thought maybe they were just going to digitally add Godzilla to the Wheeling footage, or maybe put somebody like Bull from 'Night Court' in a costume," he said.

Godzilla said he's leaving town shortly because other projects await.

"I'm being airlifted to LA, where we have a number of new things on the drawing board, including 'Godzilla vs. Chris Brown;' 'Godzilla vs. Moses;' 'Godzilla vs. The Smurfs;' 'Godzilla and Ice Cube vs. The Crips' and 'Godzilla and Philomena' with Judi Dench."

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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