Jeb Bush Derides GOP Vagina Envy, Says He's Satisfied With What He Has In His Pants

Funny story written by Cool Papa Bell

Friday, 2 May 2014


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Jeb Bush believes he's the only male Republican contender for president who doesn't have vagina envy, and admits he's not very well-versed on the female anatomy, making him a more oafishly appealing candidate to women.

"Don't have one, don't want one," said the former Florida governor, who is considered one of the more moderate GOP hopefuls. "I'm satisfied with what I have in my pants, especially for my age, and will focus my attention on that.

"I think the less we (men) talk about vagina-related subjects, the better, because logically speaking, like the Malaysian plane crash, we just don't know for sure what's going on there."

Bush, speaking to reporters Thursday evening after attending an all male cast presentation of The Vagina Monologues at the former Burt Reynolds dinner theatre in Jupiter, Fla., addressed concerns that some Republican lawmakers are trying to legislate what women can do with their bodies, such as restricting abortions, and insensitive when it comes to other issues, such as defining rape.

"I think if the vagina was a nuclear missile silo, men might have a better handle on it," said Bush, the son of former president George H.W. Bush and brother of former president George W. Bush. "But as it is now, when a man expresses an 'educated opinion' on the vagina, he's just talking out of his ass."

He sought out advice from his brother on how he handled the sensitive topic during his administration.

"George said he believed a vagina operated like a smartphone, with a battery, SIM card and charger," said Jeb. "He said it was in sleep mode most of the time, especially when (his wife) Laura was mad at him."

Bush said that as a young man, he always stayed away from vaginal discussions.

"Mom never had that 'talk' with the boys," he said. " Growing up, in most conservative households, the vagina was persona non grata, or vagina non grata, kind of like Medicare supporters."

Bizarrely enough, Bush believes that former GOP vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin should be "the voice and the face of the vagina" for Republicans.

"I think she would be a lot better off if discussions focused mainly on the vagina, and not policy statements or world affairs," he said.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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