Joe Biden Not Surprised By Hospitality Of Sheep In Montana
BILLINGSGATE JOURNAL - Asked by Rachel Maddow if he was surprised by the hospitality of the sheep while he was vacationing in Montana this summer, the Vice-President responded with a sheepish smile: "Hell no. The sum-bitches kicked out two brand...
Read full storyLocal Man Describes Meeting With Funeral Director
Local man, Martin Shuttlecock, still in a state of mourning following the death of his father last week, today described how he visited a funeral director in order to make arrangements for the impending cremation. "I went to the registraer's office yesterday to register the death," Shuttlecock said. "They give you a green sheet which confirms certification of death, and grants legal permission...
Read full storyMitt's Mission to fight back against the Obamanation
Presidential candidate Mitt Romney has blasted the Obama administration over it's foreign policy and called for a change of direction. One Direction perhaps? Perhaps not. He claimed Obama's stance on the Middle East was sending out the wrong messa...
Read full storyHoney Boo Boo Thanksgiving and Christmas specials will air on TLC
ATLANTA (ABSNN) - Alana Thompson (Honey Boo Boo) and her mother June Shannon (Fat Demonic Hell Pig) are the stars of TLC's Toddlers and Tiaras. They visited a television station in Atlanta, the home of The Learning Channel, to discuss their upcoming...
Read full storyScientists prepare to defend Earth from an impending meteor
Asteroid LO0R011 was identified early on Monday morning by the NASA Asteroid Detection Agency (NADA). It's orbit has been calculated to have it land somewhere near Beijing with enough force to wipe out all life on earth except for a cockroach living...
Read full storyWhy In The World Did "Hell On Wheels" Kill Off One Of Its Most Popular Characters?
HOLLYWOOD - Reports are that AMC has received tons of letters, emails, text messages, tweets, and phone calls asking what in the world the writers of the hit western Hell On Wheels were thinking when they killed off one of the shows most well-liked a...
Read full storyBedford OAP's cannabis operation "blown" wide open!
Smokey Bedford, UK: An OAP couple who supposedly purchased a cannabis plant thinking that it was a daisy plant have been arrested after "kicking up" too much business selling the leaves of their "daisy" plant. The plant just grew and grew and the...
Read full storyBritish tourist arrested for theft of penis pump from Dallas sex shop
DALLAS, TEXAS (ABSNN) - The masked, knife wielding robber who stole $500 in cash and a $150 penis pump from a Dallas adult video store today was apprehended only four hours later at Parkland Memorial Hospital according to the DPD. "We got a ph...
Read full storyIrish Waffle Could Keep British Lights On
The Irish gift for blarney, blather and waffle could soon begin cutting the UK consumer energy bill by £10 Billion over the next eight years. "The average Irishman generates more hot air in a single day than any other nationality" says Dr Hugh Q...
Read full storyJK Rowling to write horror book for kids
Harry Potter author JK Rowling is to return to writing for children after her adult book 'The casual vacancy' was panned by critics. "God knows what she was thinking about" said Ian Rankin "The adult book was so bad I'm surprised that it was even...
Read full storyQuentin Kelp MP - My Ten Commandments
Dear Constituents (and Parishioners) I have had a very hectic week. I should really have gone along to the Party Conference but, instead, undertook some specialised work experience. Unless one is pre-booked to perform on the main stage or even one of the side shows, Party Conferences are a useless pathway to career progression especially for a non-comformist so I decided to get away with...
Read full storyExcluding Sanitary Pads
I, a female married high school teacher, am awaiting divorce. I terribly miss my children as they are taken away by my husband, a Mickey-mouse-college professor. Having no place to live, I have moved to my mother's apartment. I live in an unmentionable oil-rich police-state country in Middle East. The so-called husband has the right to divorce me anytime anywhere with or without my consent. Of co...
Read full storyThe VP Debate: Paul "The Teacup Chihuahua Vs. Joe "The Pit Bull" Biden
DANVILLE, Kentucky - The Vice-Presidential Debate between Vice-President Joe Biden and Paul Ryan will be held in Danville, Kentucky on October 11. The town of Danville, is best noted for being the place where the Monopoly green houses and red hote...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Bristol Palin The Ditsy Diva Disses Dance Partner Mark Ballas
HOLLYWOOD - For the second week in a row the Dancing With The Stars judges have given Bristol "The Pistol" Palin the lowest score out of all the celebrity dancers. Palin and her partner Mark "Tattoo Boy" Ballas danced a paso doble to the song "You...
Read full storyBig Bird flies over Romney speech---SPLAT!
No one could tell it was coming yesterday afternoon at a Mitt Romney rally in Virginia. The Associated Press is reporting the crowd and the candidate looked up when they heard a giant "swish" in the air above the stadium. As the crowd and the candida...
Read full story