Why In The World Did "Hell On Wheels" Kill Off One Of Its Most Popular Characters?

Funny story written by Abel Rodriguez

Tuesday, 9 October 2012


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Buck Wagonwood is in charge of branding the horses on the TV western Hell On Wheels. (Photo courtesy of Anson Mount).

HOLLYWOOD - Reports are that AMC has received tons of letters, emails, text messages, tweets, and phone calls asking what in the world the writers of the hit western Hell On Wheels were thinking when they killed off one of the shows most well-liked and pivotal characters.

Bippy Babette Mustardmix, 47, a spokesperson for the show, which deals with the building of the Transcontinental Railroad and namely the Union Pacific, stated that she is not at liberty to talk about the termination of Lily Bell who was played by Irish actress Dominique McElligott.

Many of the Hell On Wheels fans are livid and have stated that they are quite disappointed and they cannot believe that the lovely, feminine, flaxen-haired, fair maiden of the West was not only killed off, but in such a brutal manner.

According to TV ClickerWorld's Ty Tickler, one fan a Mr. Leolonzo B. Drillington, 37, from Broken Arrow, Oklahoma stated, "The relationship between the gruff Civil War veteran Cullen Bohannon (Anson Mount) and the highly charming Lily Bell (McElligott) was just starting to develop."

Drillington went on to say that it was refreshing to see a nice normal, intimate relationship and not the same old slam bam thank ya ma'am couplings between the sex-starved rail workers and the overweight town whores (as they are referred to in the show).

Another fan, Petunia Milkheimer, 26, of Bugskuffle, Tennessee said, "I kept looking for Bohannon to run into Miss Lily's railcar and beat the ever living (blank) out of the "Swede" while he was choking the life out of Miss Lily."

Ms. Milkheimer added that she is really going to miss Miss Lily's cute little brown hat and the sweet, dainty way she used to pronounce Wild West words like gelding, teepees, fornicators, papooses, and dangling participles."

Paxton Mudfox, 68, a retired dance pole manufacturer from Turkey Scratch, Arkansas, commented that he thinks that it could possibly be another one of those damn television "Dream" sequences where one of the characters simply dreamed the whole damn incident up.

Emma Leigh Hickapelli, 19, an unemployed NFL cheerleader from Dime Box, Texas remarked that she thinks that perhaps Dominique wanted out of the show for some reason or other and the writers had no choice but to accommodate her.

Ms. Hickapelli was quick to add that if that was the case then they could have simply sent her back East to New York City where she could have opened up an Irish Charm School or a Home For Wayward Saloon Girls.

Tino "Hey Youse" Galantino, 43, of Hackensack, New Jersey, put in his two cents and stated that he read in Hollywood Innuendo that the reason why Miss McElligott left the show was because she was allergic to horses, hairy male faces, Indian loincloths, spittoons, and mud.

SIDENOTE: Hollywood Innuendo's Ty Tickler tried to contact Miss McElligott to get an in depth interview but her answering machine said that she was vacationing down in sunny Cabo San Lucas, Mexico.

The funny story above is a satire or parody. It is entirely fictitious.

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