Twonk Tweets 'Twats' to Tits then Told off
Ashley Cole has been charged with bringing the game into disrepute/improper Conduct over his abusive tweets towards the FA. Cole is said to be devastated at his life being turned upside down and having his good reputation besmirched. The Chelsea l...
Read full storyFuneral Reawakening strikes fear into those nearest to us
A funeral in Brazil was held up as a woman claimed the corpse had squeezed her hand. Maria Neymar Ronaldo Cesar said: "I leant in to say goodbye to Grandmamma and she squeezed my hand. I shouted for them to switch the furnace off and we called a a...
Read full storyBritney Spears Jealous of Simon Cowell's New Girlfriend
LOS ANGELES - It is no secret in the inner circles of X-Factor that Simon "The Count of Cruelty" Cowell and Britney "Oopsies" Spears have had quite a fondness for each other. In fact a close, inside, unnamed source recently told iRumors that the r...
Read full storyGaga gags during concert in Spain
BARCELONA (ABSNN) - Two days ago this reporter wrote about New York City's West Side Joanne Trattoria, the restaurant owned and operated by Lady Gaga and her parents. It was rated "C," the lowest possible rating while being allowed to remain open, b...
Read full storyMSNBC's Chris Mathews And Current-TV's Elliot Spitzer To Moderate Next Two Presidential Debates
Hearing the news that MSNBC's Chris Mathews and Current-TV's Elliot Spitzer would moderate the next two presidential debates, Mitt Romney keeled over in faint. Revived with a dose of smelling salts, he announced that he just had a bad dream. Rinse...
Read full storyWas Sean Hannity once Anderson Cooper's lover?
NEW YORK CITY (ABSNN) - Fox News' Sean Hannity is the self-confessed, "Most Undeniably Heterosexual Man on TV." CNN's Anderson Cooper is a self-confessed gay man on TV. One would think there could never be any sort of link up between the two men, i...
Read full storyObama's poor debate performance; Vampires vs. Zombies in Prime Time
Washington DC - In a shocking revelation, our coverage of the 2012 Presidential Campaign has unearthed sources who claim that the Republican Party is controlled by Vampires, with the Democrats run by Super Zombies. Although yet to be confirmed,...
Read full storySea shells sold by seller on sea-shore
A 25-year-old Brighton woman, Sheila Sellers, was arrested last weekend for selling sea shells on the sea-shore without a license. Sheila Sellers had been selling sea shells on the sea-shore every weekend throughout summer. Many day-trippers had o...
Read full storyMy life as a man #18
Love/Hate relationships I have mixed feelings about my feathered "friends." On the one hand, I spend over a thousand dollars a year on feeding, housing, and bathing songbirds, hummers, owls, hawks, waders, and, yes, vultures too. I love watching birds throughout the year. Not only has my knowledge grown to the point where I can identify them by breed, but truly, I know some of them, indi...
Read full storyBroadsheet dubs singer Katherine Jenkins 'an offensive and dangerous sham'
London - A 'Classic Brits - an offensive and dangerous sham' caption on the paper's front page sits squarely above the Welsh mezzo-soprano's pic. It's the latest media swipe at the diminutive blond warbler who bizarrely - an for no apparent reaso...
Read full storyScarlett Johansson Wishes Newlyweds Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively Hell!
HOLLYWOOD HILLS - Scarlett Johansson received quite a bit of praise from the speech she gave at the Democratic National Convention in Charlotte, North Carolina. She told Political Salad Bar Magazine that President Obama was so pleased with the way...
Read full storyRomney outsources campaign call centers
Mitt Romney is to outsource the call centers for his campaign to India in an effort to cut costs and prove he has what it takes to make the tough decisions on the economy. "We don't have to pay volunteers to man the phones in the US." A GOP spokes...
Read full storySavile Row to be renamed Tailor Street
One of London's poshest streets, Savile Row, is to be renamed to Tailor Street in a bid to distance itself from Jimmy Savile. "We don't know for certain just what Jimmy Savile has done or not done," said Boris Johnson, Mayor of London, who is orga...
Read full storyJimmy Savile's Grave 'Subsiding' - Scarborough Council
Scarborough Borough Council today issued a statement to the effect that the late Jimmy Savile's grave has recently "substantially subsided." The furore raised by recent allegations against the former BBC disc jockey and TV presenter has been parti...
Read full storyNew iPhone App enables user to end Western civilisation
Brussells, Belgium. In disturbingly awful news to hand, a computer geek from Ghent in Belgium has designed an application for use on Iphone (including version 5) that enables the user to terminate Western civilisation as we know it. Ernst Leobeck, ag...
Read full story'Saville Inquiry' clue in Jill Dando cold case review
London - "Sounds as plausible a theory as any daft Red Top bollocks," a BBC 'deep throat' hinted today, "churned out ad nauseam since her death." Speaking in hushed tones at a secret Barking potting shed rendezvous the informer reckons the Britis...
Read full storyHugo Chavez wins after removing his opponents!
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez has won the election once more and this time it was much easier. In fact Bookies stopped taking bets after reports that Chavez hit-squads had done their job efficiently. Huggy Hugo, teddybear and socialist saint w...
Read full storyIsle of Wight News - Scab collection stolen
Kenneth Dunston has been left distraught following the theft of his scab collection. Dunstan, 52 from Ryde on the Isle of Wight, discovered the theft on Sunday morning when he returned from the Ryde twenty-four hour bowls marathon. "It's terri...
Read full storyGovernment reintroduce the Workhouse
George Osborne will today announce plans to limit the amount of children people who earn less than £40,000 a year can have. While he raises prescription charges for the same group and places a high rate of tax on contraception as well as supporting...
Read full storyKate Gosselin Says No To Getting Back With Russell Brand
READING, Pennsylvania - It has been nearly two months since Kate Gosselin ended her relationship with Russell "Sniffles" Brand. And the former star of two reality shows Jon and Kate Plus 8 and Kate Plus 8, recently stated that although she admits...
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