LA DA says 'Bieber too big a pussy to have hurt a guy in a fight last May'
LOS ANGELES, California (ABSNN) - The LA County District Attorney's office declined to charge "tween star" Justine Bieber, 18, for a "fight" he had with a photographer last May. According to an Assistant District Attorney, "In all seriousness, we c...
Read full storyAlien cloning factory found near US Ambassador's Residence
London - "Looks like ET was planning on flooding the world with hundreds of General Petraeus lookalikes and Mitt Romney clones," the head of the UK Diplomatic Protection Racket Corps said today as the news broke, "we even found their original Paula...
Read full storyOJ on ID documentary: 'Why hire a killer to do what I was willing to do myself?'
NEVADA STATE PRISON (ABSNN) - O. J. Simpson refused all press requests (except ours, of course) to comment on tonight's Investigation Discovery documentary: "My Brother the Serial Killer," that claims Simpson hired a serial killer to break into his...
Read full storyDoctors seek huge rise in ice in drinks
Leading British medical bodies, concerned about high levels of alcohol-related health problems, are calling for more ice to be used in drinks. An increase of 50 per cent more ice in an average glass of beverage bought in pubs and bars would reduc...
Read full storyLocal buses face axe
Big wide buses in Gateshead are being cut down in size to make way for cyclists. Massive Megabuses, popular with many obese bus passengers, have been knocking too many cyclists off their bikes. So Gateshead council have recommended that all these...
Read full storyZlatan Ibrahimovitch could still play for England
Football Association officials were keeping positive today when they announced that Swedish flavour of the month Zlatan Ibrahimovitch could still qualify to play for England, despite scoring four times against the Three Lions in an international frie...
Read full storyRafa Benitez guarantees Chelsea top four finish
Rafa Benitez was appointed interim Chelsea manager today following the dramatic sacking of Roberto De Matteo, who in six months as manager had won the FA Cup and Champions League double, but was replaced after a poor run which saw defeats to Manchest...
Read full storyMy life as a man #31
God damn you merry gentlemen! What I've learned in my 61 years is that if you spend too much time in the past, you get trapped there, especially if the past is all you have to get you through the day. I am as much a historian as anything I may be. But the past is the past. And while I admire those who plan well for their futures, I am also smart enough to know that a significant number of th...
Read full storyDowntrodden Obama "Accidentally" Puts Himself on Kill List
In a shocking Wikileaks disclosure, it was revealed late last night that President Obama, who the New York Times reported maintains a "kill list" of persons targeted for assassination, recently put himself on the kill list - by accident. Or was it...
Read full storyQueen Sedated After Massive Fire On Her Island of Jersey!
A massive fire on the Channel island of Jersey last night has torn through the island's wasp breeding nest fields owned by the Queen destroying them all. The loss of what would have been an estimated 100 million fully fledged wasps ready for Her M...
Read full storySan Franciso bans nekkidness--'All nekkidness'
SAN FRANCISCO, California (ABSNN) - The City Board of Supervisors of San Francisco voted 6-5 Tuesday to prohibit Bay Area residents ever again getting nekkid. Even showering in the nude is now a felony crime. "All forms of nekkidness is hereby and...
Read full storyRex Ryan Versus Bill Belichick: It's Only a Game
Rex Ryan did the unthinkable. He defended this week's opposing coach to media criticism. Hearing that Coach Bill Belichick was under withering attack for playing Rob Gronkowski in garbage minutes. When a star player is seriously injured during a g...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Melissa, Shawn, and Kelly Going To The Finals
HOLLYWOOD - After nine weeks of intense competition on Dancing With The Stars, Tom Bergeron announced which three dancing teams of the original thirteen will be competing in the shows finals. The witty host stated that the Mirror Ball Trophy will...
Read full storyPolitical Satirists Gather to Mourn the Loss of Romney Jokes
Washington, DC - Satirical writers from around the country gathered in a candlelight vigil at the base of that big stone penisy thing, in the middle of Washington DC, to say goodbye to yet another Republican Presidential candidate that provided more...
Read full storyDancing With The Stars: Kelly Monaco and Val Chmerkovskiy Deny The Baby Bump Rumors
HOLLYWOOD - During the 14 seasons that Dancing With The Stars has been on the air there has never been a dance couple who have become closer than Val Chmerkovskiy and Kelly Monaco. The very petite Kelly, who was named after the color; Kelly Green,...
Read full storyObama's Gaff during Concession Calls
Washington, DC - In the tradition of good sportsmanship, no matter how hard it may be for the losing candidates, it has become almost mandatory that the losing party phone the winning side, to concede the election results, usually by the time the fi...
Read full storyKirstie Alley's Tell-All Book Tells It All
BEVERLY HILLS - Kirstie Alley's new book certainly blows the lid off of her countless romantic interludes, relationships, affairs, and circus-like physical antics. The 61-year-old former star of Cheers and Dancing With The Stars states in her reve...
Read full storyChristina Aguilera's Secret Email To Jessica Simpson
WEST HOLLYWOOD - Christina Aguilera of the Voice appeared on the American Music Award Show and it was no secret that she has put on a bit of poundage. Miss Aguilera does not try to hide the fact, especially since anyone can physically see it. H...
Read full story"Gangnam Style" Star Repeatedly Mistaken for Waiter at AMA's
Los Angeles, CA - In his first (and probably last) trip to the American Music Awards on Sunday, Korean-Pop sensation Psy, had an experience that he'll never forget, even though, most in attendance will probably forget him. The Pop Star's first maj...
Read full storySpoof Exclusive! First Ever Interview With The Master Spy Of All- JAMES BOND!!!!!
The Spoof has succeeded in scoring the first ever interview with that icon of masculinity and daring do, that virile epitome of super secret spydom, that name that causes gorgeous women's inner plumbing to contract in excited anticipation, the one, the only, JAMES BOND, British Agent Number 007, who has a license to kill and to thrill. We tracked Mr. Bond to his latest dwelling, the M.Z. Mone...
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