In a shocking Wikileaks disclosure, it was revealed late last night that President Obama, who the New York Times reported maintains a "kill list" of persons targeted for assassination, recently put himself on the kill list - by accident.
Or was it?
Some of the president's closest staff members have expressed concern that Obama's act was actually a cry for help, indicating he could be suicidal.
"The election took a lot out of him," remarked Obama's executive assistant, Trevor Malone. "I heard him say a few times, 'This election is either going to kill me or make me do it myself.'"
Obama's family, friends, and Cabinet members have attempted to clarify whether the president has really targeted himself for assassination, or whether the addition of his name to the kill list was simply a clerical error. Unfortunately, no clear answers have been forthcoming from the president, as the kill list, which may include even American citizens, is not subject to review by any person or entity apart from the Executive-in-Chief himself.
Speculating that a legal argument would be more effective than an emotional appeal in dissuading the president from attempting suicide, Obama's closest advisers presented the president with their considered legal opinion that because the kill list is ostensibly only for suspected terrorists, Obama does not legally qualify to be on the list.
However, Obama, an astute legal scholar, turned that argument on its head.
"For one," he pointed out, "I've almost certainly committed some war crimes through my drone strikes. I've also authorized some pretty twisted stuff in Guantanamo, not to mention the American policy on torture, I mean, enhanced interrogation. If that doesn't qualify me, I don't know what does!"
The president's advisers were at a loss as to how to respond.
"He's too hard on himself," remarked Attorney General Eric Holder, shaking his head sympathetically. "That's why he gets so down. We were hoping that winning the election would give him a boost, but he's living proof that true self-esteem has to come from within. External validation just doesn't do it."
If there remained any doubt as to whether Obama was legally eligible for inclusion on the kill list, the president presented his advisers with his legal ace-in-the-hole:
"By targeting myself for assassination, I've threatened to kill the president. Terrorism 101!"
According to Obama's executive assistant, however, there may yet be hope for the president's will to live. As the person who files the president's kill list and other administrative paperwork, Trevor Malone noted one particular aberration on the kill list: unlike all the other names on the list, which are typewritten or cast in black ink, Obama's name was penciled in, meaning that it could, theoretically, be erased.
"That means there's hope," predicted Malone with a small smile. "Stay positive, Barack!"
